Marital Love

I was thinking today about the love one has for a spouse. There are many ups and downs within a marriage that may cause one to question his/her love for a spouse to the point they wonder if they ever really truly loved their spouse to begin with. This happens in almost any marriage. In fact my councilor that I had for about a year before my last marriage ended said that on average a spouse will fall in and out of love with their companion at least 3 times during the length of their marriage. What triggers these emotional and somewhat irrational outbreaks? Stress? Change? Monotony? Midlife Crisis? Well I believe all of the above and more.

There was a time in my last marriage that I did not believe I loved my spouse anymore. I would tell myself that I did not have anything in common with him, that he never wanted to do what I wanted to do, that he was too involved in his own world to even care about mine. I did not want to emotionally involve myself with him anymore because I did not want to hurt. But I found that as I distanced myself from him I felt more hurt than when I was trying. I did not want to hear that I should keep on trying in the marriage so I would push myself away from my family and others to the point I felt very much alone. I would then reach out to those who would tell me what I thought I wanted to hear which in turn was more damaging. When I finally came to grips and knew that I loved him enough to try it had to be on my own time and my on terms. So I did… I put my all back into the marriage and I felt much better even though my marriage was anything but perfect. I still hurt due to my X’s decisions but I was at peace with myself once more. I clung to those people who really matter… The Lord, my family, my spouse, and my close girlfriends. I then tried my best to apologize for putting my spouse through “Hell” as I figured a few things out in my heart. Unfortunately I was too late and I had pushed him far enough away that he did not feel like coming back to me when I was ready to come back to him. The only peace I have with that whole situation is that I know I did what was right in the end even if I was not on the right path before that. Things did not work out and I have accepted that and have moved on. But that does not mean that others can not learn from my mistakes and my comebacks.

We choose to love someone or not to love him or her. We make a choice to put our all into our relationship or to let it slip away. I have gotten a second chance in marriage. Again my marriage is not perfect… no marriage is. There are days that Curtis and I do not agree on anything. But we try our best to love each other even on bad days. Sometimes this means a simple gesture such as putting a hand on your spouses back while you lie in bed after having just argued over something stupid. Even if it means not doing something that you know will give your spouse anxiety no matter how much you want to engage in that activity. Even if it means just going through the motions and jumping through the hoops till your emotions calm down enough to see that you still love you spouse and you never stopped loving your spouse. All of that is love. We just don’t fall out of love. It does not work that way even though some of us think it does during times of our lives. When we feel like we need to push away from our spouse, that is when we need to cling onto them even more. And if your spouse tries to push you away, that is when you need to love them more than ever and not judge them letting them find themselves back to you. And they will. Because in the end they really do love you, they just need to figure some things out.

By the way, you do not have to have everything in common with someone to love him or her. If that were the case men would not love women and visa versa because men and women are very different. We communicate differently, we see things differently and we react to things differently. And the funny thing is we need these differences. At first it seems to be a cruel joke played by God, but in the end if we love and respect each other our differences help and compliment each other helping us reach our true potential.

And finally I post this picture... because it reminded me of me when I was begging for my X to love me and and getting little response. It hurt... and I felt like this kitty. I'm sure some of you relate. We all need to be loved. So lets get a loving.

Two Years ago today

It was a cold icy Sunday afternoon. I told Curtis that I would meet him at his house around 4. I had never met this man Curtis, but had corresponded with him for about a month on a daily basis. We had asked each other many questions both personal and impersonal so I felt like I knew him and I felt like we were friends.

I looked up at the clock. It was already passed four. I needed to hurry and finish up what I was doing so I could get out the door. My phone rang. It was him. Curtis asked where I was. I could tell by his tone that he was annoyed that I had not arrived yet. I thought to myself, "Who does he think he is talking to me in that tone?" I quickly grabbed a warm hat and coat and headed out the door with my Zune.

The drive was not a long one. We lived about 5 minutes from each other. I was still a little on edge from our conversation earlier on the phone. I took a left at the school and took an immediate right after the purple house. I looked for the large yellow Avalanch Truck with Search and Rescue printed on the side. There it was. There he was shoveling his driveway with a flat shovel. He looked different in person than in his pictures... I got out of my car and proceeded to walk toward him. Unexpectedly I was hit with a cold icy snowball. Any resentment from our earlier phone conversation quickly melted away as a large grin erupted on my face. Our eyes met each other. His eyes were so intense full on intelligence and passion. I felt like I had know him for years! He directed me toward the house grabbing my arm and guiding me up his steps and into his house.

There I was. His place was small and very much looked like a bachelor Pad. I removed my coat and hat and sat down on a single chair. I noticed the Amazon Parrot in the room and spent some time getting to know him. He sat down on the couch and beckoned me to sit next to him so I could see the lap top screen as we searched for music to upload on my Zune. I conceded and we began to go through a lot of music. I had about 20 songs that I wanted to find. We were able to find some of them and then he proceeded to fill the file with music that he thought I would like labeling the file, "Becky's half boring hits". As he browsed through his music I looked at him and had a sudden urge to put my head on his shoulder. I fought that urge and resisted. After maybe 2 hours of listening to songs and uploading songs we said our goodbyes and I proceeded home.

Later on that week Curtis asked me why I had not put my head on his shoulder? I was astounded. "How did you know I had that desire that day?" He responded, "I just know things." Curtis and I said nothing regarding feelings that first day we met. But words were not necessary. We knew there was something special there. Happy two year anniversary my wonderful husband! I am glad that my destiny led me to you and I hope I am always deserving of your love.

For The Experience of Course!

Every year people ask me why Curtis and I bother getting a tag so we can cut our own Christmas Tree on Forest Service land. People proclaim, "You spend just as much on gas as you do buying one from a lot", "The tree is never as perfect as store bought ones", "It's such a pain" and finally "Fake tree's are so much easier!" My answer to all these statements is, "We cut down our own tree for the experience."

This year we had quite the experience! Mom Dudley and I both purchased tags this year so we all piled into the cruiser and headed toward Vernon. After about an hour and a half drive, we arrived at our destination. We pull out the map thinking it may be useful... it wasn't, so it was quickly set aside. I had wanted a fir this year because I love the shape of firs to Pinyon Pines. Off we went to the far end of the plot where the mountains were located. Just as we arrived I read the paper that came with the permits. It said that only Juniper and Pinyon Pine could be cut. No one in the car knew the difference between a pine and fir, but I did. And I could not in good conscience cut down a fir when I knew it was against the rules... so back in the car we all went in search of the elusive pines.

We drove around for a few hours finding a few scattered here and a few scattered there. We were attempting to find the location of our last cut from last year but were not having any luck. We seemed to be somewhat lost. We hiked up the hills and back down. Where were all the pine we remembered from last year??? 5 hours later we were all getting grumpy and found a few trees that would suffice. Mom and Dad's tree was just the right size for their spot in the living room. And our tree... well it looked smaller out in the forest than in my house. Curtis told me it was huge but I insisted it wasn't. I was wrong. Loading our tree was difficult. It was a lot heavier than it looked. The girls had to actually help the men get it loaded and it barely fit on top of the cruiser. But we managed, and as we drove the main dirt road out we discovered that somehow while driving this road earlier we had missed the huge grove of pines that we had cut our tree down in last year. It was right there. A five minute drive from the main road. How could we have missed that?? We could have saved ourself hours of hiking, driving, and listening to the baby cry. Whatever, lets go home. We drove home taking the scenic route a few times due to missed turns and tired eyes.

We arrived home late around 6PM. Getting our tree inside was a bit of a challenge. The tree was so heavy we had to anchor it to the wall so it would not tip over and smash our children. And there it was... standing tall and fat and releasing its pine smell through the entire house. Why do we cut our own tree down? For the experience! And why do we get a live tree? Because having grown up in Oregon, a fake one is just wrong, and of course I love the smell. Yes we were all sick and tired of searching for a tree by the end of five hours... but would we do it again? Absolutely.

Jace and I standing near a stream that was frozen over. This is where the firs were found.

Grandpa and Sage wondering up and down the grassy hills searching for the perfect tree.

Father and Son hiking up a hill after cutting down the smaller tree.

Jace and Grandma hanging out in the car waiting for the men to cut down the tree.

Curtis and Dad Dudley dragging the tree to the car.

Curtis standing next to our tree exhausted after cutting the large sappy trunk.

Men helplessly trying to load the tree. It was very top heavy.

The women stepped in and saved the day by helping the guys get it up on the top of the cruiser.

And there it is in all its glory. Double my height and as wide as I am tall. And of course the picture does not do it justice.

Thanksgiving in Vegas

This year we accompanied Curtis's family to Vegas for Thanksgiving. Curtis's Mom has always been fond of Vegas and wanted to see how the buffet was for Thanksgiving. So off we went.

Most of the time we spent at the Tahiti Village where we stayed. The kids had fun swimming and playing on the man made beach which included sand. On Thanksgiving itself we went to Spice Market Buffet where we ate not only Turkey but we also had some seafood, Chinese, Italian, and Mediterranean food. The kids ate their weight in deserts including pie, eclairs, ice cream and cotton candy. At the end of the day we were all stuffed.

The following day Curtis and I got the chance to go to the Tournament of the Kings. We enjoyed eating with our hands and cheering on our King who happened to be representing France and who happened to win that night. I spent most of my time inspecting the horses:). Curtis seemed to be focusing more on the Cornish Game Hen on his plate:).

We had a lot of fun but we are thankful to live in our current state and city. It suits us better. Speaking of what we are thankful for, we are thankful for all that Heavenly Father has given us including our family, home, and the Gospel.

Curtis and Jace on the man-made beach at the resort. Jace is not too happy about being buried.

Sage and Ashton Playing on the beach at the resort.

Curtis and Jace in the hot tub

Jace Very happy to be warm in the hot tub. It was a bit breezy that day.

Hot tub facial bubbles!

Yes this man loves me

We took our picture about two years ago at this very spot.

Me at the Tournament of Kings.

Eating with my hands feels very natural to me:)

Sleeping to Dream

I dream a lot. Mostly because I have this talent of being able to wake up in the morning and fall back asleep. Mornings are where I have my most memorable dreams simply because I can remember them! I have good dreams, bad dreams, and awful dreams. I live my past, present and even future while I’m asleep. And sometimes my dreams seem more like abstract ideas than an actual thought or scenes.

My fears are portrayed frequently in my dreams. Some of them are believable, and others are absolutely insane. I have woken up in a sweat and in tears. Sometimes at first I do not know why I am crying until I start to recall the fact I was dreaming a heart-wrenching dream. Other times I wake scared of whomever may have been trying to “get” me. When I was a child it was a tiger or ET, but this character has morphed as I have grown up into those I believe whom have a true distaste for me.

Dreams of the past can be the worst in my opinion because they are rarely ever good ones. These memories that haunt my dreams are those that have hurt me immensely. However occasionally dreams of past friends whom I have no contact with can be comforting to have even though I wake up wondering if they are ok and wishing I could just KNOW if they are happy.

Finally there are my dreams that are happy. These dreams usually fulfill dreams of my own. They allow me to be me no matter what the consequence is. They are thrilling and exciting and full of love and fun. These are the dreams that when I wake up I want to go back to sleep to continue the dream. I wish my mind would allow me to have more of these dreams. But unfortunately for me my mind focuses on my worries and insecurities or the dream is so abstract that I have NO idea what its about.

Generally in most of my dreams there is one person who tends to always be by my side trying his best to guide and protect me. That would be my Curtis. Outside of dreaming I trust him more than anyone… past or present. Makes sense my mind would choose him to do the same in my dreams.

I wish I knew why I dream the way that I do. I wish I knew what all of it means. But I do not, and most likely I never will. So I raise my glass to all my dreams and say, “ If I must dream, let me wake up with a smile instead of tears.”

Halloween Blur

Halloween seemed to fly by this year. Maybe because while trick or treating the kids ran the whole time... or maybe its my lack of sleep due to a horrifying reality... more horrifying than any decoration I saw last night...wait for it, wait for it... teething! Either way the kids had a blast. Sage dressed up as the famous Pippi Longstocking and discovered that many children, and a surprising number of adults have no idea who the amazing Pippi is! Ashton dressed up as Search and Rescue again and was called a rock climber for most of the night. Jace was our little Pilot... I don't think he cared he was a pilot but he was sure cute. Here are a few pics.

Our Vampire, Jack the Pumpkin King and Baby Jack-o-lanterns!

The kids getting ready to go door to door

Jace at the front door wanting to go outside with the other kids

Sage posing for her Pippi Shot

Last but not least: Sage

Sage has been loving her second grade class this year. She is as always on top of her game and is one of the brighter kids in the class. She has really grown to love reading and reads often. Right now she is reading White Fang and the Black Stallion (Can you tell she takes after her Mom!). Sage is maturing so quickly. She is a great help in the house and with her brothers. She will fix breakfast for both herself and Ashton at least twice a week. She also helps spoon feed Jace when I need to do other things. Sage is always trying hard to make new friends and be kind to others. She compliments people constantly and loves to help her teachers. As Sage matures she has found her testimony in Jesus Christ. She bares her testimony monthly and often says things that you would not expect a seven year old to say. She really is an amazing little girl. We love Sage. Here is her video! Again sorry for the poor quality!! I promise I will get something better soon.

Becky's thought of the month: Wrinkles

My Grandpa Wilde has wrinkles and he is the cutest man on earth! Other than my husband.

This past year I have noticed a change in myself and in Curtis. We both seem to be getting older and we are showing it in our appearance. Curtis is getting gray hairs and me... well I noticed my first few wrinkles around my eyes! At first I felt horrified. Could this really be happening to me??? Has the past few years really had this much toll on me to give me wrinkles! I can no longer call myself young! But upon closer inspection I noticed that the wrinkles were smile wrinkles that curved up around the corner of my eyes. All of a sudden having these signs of aging did not seems so bad. Every time I see an old man on a bike slowly peddling down the street I notice his wrinkles, but I don't think ugly. Every time I see an old couple holding hands I notice their wrinkles but I don't think ugly. I have always loved old people. Could it be because when I see an old face I see a lifetime of wisdom, pain, love, and joy that I can relate to. Why are so many of us so concerned about aging to the point we pay lots of money on creams and surgeries to hide our different badges of honor. Ask my husband. Whenever I see a really old man or woman my heart melts and I can not help but think they are beautiful or just simply adorable. So bring on the wrinkles, I will take them with honor. And thank you Curtis and my children for making me smile so much in the past couple of years that I was able to acquire these beautiful marks of life.

Two Roads Diverged... We took neither.

Saturday the kids and I decided to go into the mountains for National Parks Day. We packed out back packs and headed in the Land Cruiser to Silver Lakes. I was particularly excited to see how the cruiser would fair on a semi crappy dirt road. As we drove up to the first lake we were noticing the the trees shouting out to us with their vibrant fall colors. The further we went up the more the Big Tooth Maple seemed to beg for attention with its bright red/pink shades. Bump Bump the cruiser went as we climbed the dirt road to the second lake. The kids were giggling with joy as they were tossed around the back with each pot hole the tires hit. As we arrived we headed to the trail head. Soon after the hike began two paths diverged... we decided to take neither and headed out into the forest in search of the Beaver Dams.

At first the path we chose was not too difficult. An occasional log to climb... maybe a rock. But as we began to narrow in on our search for the beavers, it got mucky. The kids were up to their knees in mud. Our shoes were wet from falling into the many very shallow stream. "What was that mom?!". "Those are little baby fish in two inches of water." We knew we were close. Their was signs of the beaver's work everywhere we looked. But the thistles unsympathetically poked at the kids bare wet legs. The brush was getting thicker and thicker and the children struggled to move 10 feet within 5 minutes. It was there I realized they may just be too young to follow mom on one of her whims in the forest. Back we went after 4 hours of hiking. Tired, hungry, a bit overly emotional, Sage was disappointed that we did not see the dams. "Sweetheart, sometimes as hard as we try we fail at our goals and desires. We may not have found the Dams but wasn't it a fun adventure trying to find them!." Sage replies, "I guess mom... I guess."

News flash on Ashton

Ashton is getting so big! He started preschool this fall and has been loving that! His favorite part about his day at school is the chocolate milk. Ashton has always been all about food. He spends his days playing, trying to write letters, hanging out with Sage, and helping Curtis out in the garage. Its actually rather cute. He has his own gloves and his own water cup that he uses... just like dad's, and he will go out there and do odd jobs for Curtis.

Recently Curtis got Ashton a bike with training wheels. This is the first time he has ever been on a bike. So its a new experience for Ashton but he is anxious to get better. Here is a video of Curtis teaching Ashton how to petal for the first time. Also I have included a little interview I took of Ashton not too long ago. Have fun!

Update on our baby Jace

I shot this video of Jace this morning and thought I would share. It shows him saying his favorite word and doing his favorite thing. Jace is growing so fast and is really turning out to be a wonderful little guy.

Missing Child

Today as I was getting ready to go the the library to return some books, Ashton headed outside to wait. 5-7 minutes later I went out to load Jace in the car followed closely by Sage. I called for Ashton... no response. That darn kid... here I was trying to get to the library before it closed and he decides to run off. I was a bit angry because he knew better. I went over to the neighbors where he usually is, but he was not there. I went to other places that he has been know to play at... no luck. I started to get a bit worried. I looked inside in all his hiding places. No Ashton. Where was he??? I busied myself with another project and figured he would come home soon. Another 20 minutes passed... Where was my little boy???? I went out to search for him again. No luck. At this point he has been missing for 1 hour. I started to panic. Where was my phone. I had to call Curtis to let him know Ashton was missing. I could not even find my phone! The fear and frustration started to build inside of me. I found my phone. "Curtis, Ashton has been missing for an hour! Im so worried. Ok I will check again using the car this time.". I drove down the street... what was that? A see red hair. Its Ashton wandering the neighborhood with a little girl who just turned 4. He has got crackers and looks happy. However I'm not happy. I bark at him to get into the car. I sternly tell him that I have been looking for him for over an hour and that he knew better! I take the crackers away. He starts to cry. We arrive home. I escort him to his room. Do I spank him and yell at him? Absolutely. He scared me to death! Then what? I break down and cry. He sits there and just watches me in silence with a puzzled look on his face as if to say, "why is mom crying? I'm the one that got spanked?". Why am I crying? I love my children. I would absolutely die inside if I lost a child. All my time and energy is pretty much consumed with my three kids. They may be messy, loud, and at times frustrating, but they are my kids. I have given up my hobbies, time, work, and energy for them. Why? Because I love them. I love them like a mother should.

Becky's Thought of the Month

Its funny how random memories pop into your head at any given time. You may be going through a box and one single item that you see such as a baseball may remind you of a time years ago when you held that ball for the first time not ever wanting to let it go. Or maybe you might find a letter or picture that takes you back to your elementary days flooding your head with thoughts you have not had for years and years and years. Even performing a task such as organizing a drawer can take you back to when you were organizing your first apartment. I have had thoughts pop into my head due to smells that remind me of places and people. Those usually take me a minute to figure out but in the end for me smells are the most potent of reminders… ha ha (Sorry had to laugh at my own joke). I love memories. They are a good part of what forms us into the people we are. They are what allows us to hold on to a pleasant instance for a lifetime. Imagine what the world would be like if you did not have memories. You would make the same mistakes over and over again. You would forget a loved one the instant he/she is taken out of your life. I am thankful for my memories. And I am thankful to all those who have helped me form them. And I can not wait to make many many more.

Our New Place

A few of you have been asking for pics of our new place... So I took a few just for you!

The front of the house. Brown spot on my lawn thanks to Utopia... :/

Our extra parking space. We will build a shop at the end of this driveway one day that will fill up the entire square in the back.

Back Yard

Gates to the Pasture. The horses that live behind me keep the weeds down by grazing it from time to time.

The Pasture

Timpanogos from the back porch

If you want to see the inside of it you must come and visit:). Hope this satisfies the curiosity of all of you!

The 4th... Becky is getting old

The 4th of July and my Birthday which is the same day went well. Mom Dudley organized a get together and bought me an icecream cake. She also brought the kids to the store to pick out a card for me which is still on the fridge (Thanks MOM!) We set off a few fireworks and ate lots of food. Curtis got me a Porch Fire pit which I LOVE. As a young child I had a fire pit in the back of my yard and I have a lot of fond memories roasting hotdogs and mellows over the fire. Since then I have always wanted on of my own. So thank you my sweet husband for knowing me well enough to get me something I actually value. All in all it was a great day. Thank you to all that wished me a happy birthday.

Moon Lake

Our family had the great opportunity to head up to Moon Lake in the Unitas with the rest of the Dudley Family. We had a lot of fun cooking in Dutch Ovens, sleeping in our new canvas tent, telling stories around the campfire, and fishing.

Curtis caught over 10 fish in a spot where a stream ran into the lake. But I neglected to take pictures to prove it so it will have to be a fish story that will just get bigger and bigger as its told. Did I mention he caught 20 fish! ;)

The kids had a lot of fun for the three days we were up there. And Jace slept VERY well which helped. Here are some pics!

Kiddos in the Tent

Jace playing in his Porta Crib

Jace in the Backpack

Me in Front of the tent and Moon Lake

Dad and Son trying to get the stove started

Mom in the tent getting ready for the day.

Jace at the end of the day with all energy spent

Change for the Better

As most of you know our family has moved to Lindon. We had not planned on moving this summer but as we were window shopping for a house just for kicks, we stumbled upon our new house. At first we did not pursue it. But it seemed to remain in the back of our minds as if to say, “You want me, you need me”. Curtis and I were not looking for anything fancy. We wanted a nice home, in a nice location, with plenty of parking for Curtis, and horse property for Me. We set up a time to see it and within 3 days we made a huge decision to go ahead and buy the place. This made both of us a bit nervous because owning two homes was new to us. Would our place in Eagle Mountain rent quickly enough?? The answer to that question is yes. Within two weeks of me posting our quaint home in E.M. it was rented to a nice family.

Our new home is about perfect for us! It is a modestly sized home on about a half of an acre of land located at the end of a dead end street. A little less than half of the property is simply a pasture for animals. The other half is a well groomed well maintained large yard in which the house sits upon. The garage is extra wide and deep and has a lot of cupboard space for Curtis. He will of course improve it and make it even better. There is also a large gravel driveway to the side of the house that has ample parking space for the cruiser, truck, trailer, and Jeep. And most importantly there is no HOA. The house has just enough room for our family. The kitchen is much better than the last one I had and actually has enough cupboard space for all my kitchen gadgets. The home also comes equipped with three fireplaces including the one that is in the master bedroom.

Now all the details of the house are fine and dandy, but when it comes down to it when buying a house the location is the key to happiness. I have always said, you can always change a house but you cannot change the location. Our location is prime. We live in a very peaceful neighborhood with great people. Everyone has been more than kind to us and the street is quiet and tranquil. And in my opinion, the best thing about this area is all the hobby farms that surround us. Our neighbor to the right of us breeds miniature horses and pygmy goats. She also has a few other animals such as chickens, horses, a donkey, and a pony. My neighbors behind me have three gorgeous horses, which include Misty the Palomino, Breeze the Arabian, and Ace the 22-23 year old mix (He died a week ago L ). Other neighbors of ours have cows, sheep, more horses, and other random animals. In the evening as you sit on the porch and stare at Timpanogos Mountain you hear neighs, snorts, doodle doos, bleats, and whatever the sound game birds make. I think I am finally somewhere that I would not mind staying put and raising my kids and growing old with my sweetheart.

Anyway here are a few pics of the animals that I get to love! And thanks again to all the neighbors around us for being so amazing! I finally feel like I am home.

This is one of the baby miniature horses.

This is Cookies and Cream the Donkey

A Quarter Horse and her baby, and the other I know is part mustang...

The kids with one of the baby goats. Isn't he cute!

Mom and Baby