Marital Love

I was thinking today about the love one has for a spouse. There are many ups and downs within a marriage that may cause one to question his/her love for a spouse to the point they wonder if they ever really truly loved their spouse to begin with. This happens in almost any marriage. In fact my councilor that I had for about a year before my last marriage ended said that on average a spouse will fall in and out of love with their companion at least 3 times during the length of their marriage. What triggers these emotional and somewhat irrational outbreaks? Stress? Change? Monotony? Midlife Crisis? Well I believe all of the above and more.

There was a time in my last marriage that I did not believe I loved my spouse anymore. I would tell myself that I did not have anything in common with him, that he never wanted to do what I wanted to do, that he was too involved in his own world to even care about mine. I did not want to emotionally involve myself with him anymore because I did not want to hurt. But I found that as I distanced myself from him I felt more hurt than when I was trying. I did not want to hear that I should keep on trying in the marriage so I would push myself away from my family and others to the point I felt very much alone. I would then reach out to those who would tell me what I thought I wanted to hear which in turn was more damaging. When I finally came to grips and knew that I loved him enough to try it had to be on my own time and my on terms. So I did… I put my all back into the marriage and I felt much better even though my marriage was anything but perfect. I still hurt due to my X’s decisions but I was at peace with myself once more. I clung to those people who really matter… The Lord, my family, my spouse, and my close girlfriends. I then tried my best to apologize for putting my spouse through “Hell” as I figured a few things out in my heart. Unfortunately I was too late and I had pushed him far enough away that he did not feel like coming back to me when I was ready to come back to him. The only peace I have with that whole situation is that I know I did what was right in the end even if I was not on the right path before that. Things did not work out and I have accepted that and have moved on. But that does not mean that others can not learn from my mistakes and my comebacks.

We choose to love someone or not to love him or her. We make a choice to put our all into our relationship or to let it slip away. I have gotten a second chance in marriage. Again my marriage is not perfect… no marriage is. There are days that Curtis and I do not agree on anything. But we try our best to love each other even on bad days. Sometimes this means a simple gesture such as putting a hand on your spouses back while you lie in bed after having just argued over something stupid. Even if it means not doing something that you know will give your spouse anxiety no matter how much you want to engage in that activity. Even if it means just going through the motions and jumping through the hoops till your emotions calm down enough to see that you still love you spouse and you never stopped loving your spouse. All of that is love. We just don’t fall out of love. It does not work that way even though some of us think it does during times of our lives. When we feel like we need to push away from our spouse, that is when we need to cling onto them even more. And if your spouse tries to push you away, that is when you need to love them more than ever and not judge them letting them find themselves back to you. And they will. Because in the end they really do love you, they just need to figure some things out.

By the way, you do not have to have everything in common with someone to love him or her. If that were the case men would not love women and visa versa because men and women are very different. We communicate differently, we see things differently and we react to things differently. And the funny thing is we need these differences. At first it seems to be a cruel joke played by God, but in the end if we love and respect each other our differences help and compliment each other helping us reach our true potential.

And finally I post this picture... because it reminded me of me when I was begging for my X to love me and and getting little response. It hurt... and I felt like this kitty. I'm sure some of you relate. We all need to be loved. So lets get a loving.