Becky's Thoughts- Trust

When I was a little girl I saw a commercial. A lady in the commercial proclaimed that if you could scratch DRY in you skin you needed to run out and buy her moisturizer. I looked down at my forearm and proceeded to scratch out DRY and found out that I was one of those people who needed that product! I ran to my mom and told her immediately. She sat me down and told me that I was too trusting, and that just because someone says something does not mean its true.

As I grew up, although I understood what my mother told me, I was still overly trusting. No one as of yet had ever really hurt me and I believed that mankind in general was good. But then life gave me some major challenges and I had to deal with a large amount of dishonesty. Even then I clung onto the hope and belief that the dishonesty that I was dealing with was not real, that it would stop. I struggled greatly within myself those years. I wanted to trust with my entirety but for the first time I found myself doubting. I found that not knowing was the only way I could escape from it. So I would try my hardest not to find things. But they would surface again and again. My ability to trust had been destroyed.

Trust is a fragile thing. It is easily broken and can not be fixed with ease. Trust is something that has to be earned. If you continually do or say things that are dishonest it makes it very difficult for someone to respect and trust you.

One can regain trust back but it comes slowly with a lot of work and dedication. And even then, that person may never trust you again. Some people are definitely more forgiving than others.

I am thankful for the fact that I can trust those who I am closest with. Life is so much easier when you are not burdened with deceit. And that goes both ways. I know that by being honest with my fellow man it makes my life easier as well. As for my current status in trusting people, its still not what it was, but it is healing.

Jace Turns 3

Jace turns 3 on the 16th. We celebrated his birthday a day early since we were with the Dudley clan. I can not believe how time has flown. It seems like it was just yesterday I found out I was pregnant with Jace.

This year I broke my cake making mold and actually used fondant. Usually I do not bother with fondant because I honestly do not like how it tastes. But fondant seemed to be the logical choice for this cake so I whipped up a homemade fondant and constructed this Handy Manny Toolbox. I can not take credit for the tools themselves. Those were part of Jace's present. It turned out pretty well considering my lack of fondant knowledge and expertise. But the important part was that Jace loved it!

This last year has been fun and challenging with Jace. He is such a cute and intelligent little guy but also very headstrong. I am looking forward to what lays around the corner with this little fella. He is a pretty special guy.

Here are some pictures and videos. I apologize for the poor quality in the pictures. Jace has taken up the habit of playing with my camera and changed the setting without me knowing it. I also included two videos of Jace blowing out his cake and dancing with his new tools. And finally a video I took of him the other day when he went out to play in the snow.

Ryker loves chocolate and decided to climb on Grandma's table to get some more!

Moi

When Curtis saw this picture that my brother had taken of me he said, "Yep that's you." This slightly goofy shot really does show a glimpse into the real me. Often times absurdly silly and laughing at myself.

I really don't like to write about myself... I tried to get Curtis to do it but he declined (which was expected.) But I know that some of you would be highly disappointed if I did not write something so here I go.

I'm a Mom. I have one 9 year old girl on the verge of becoming an early teen and three very active boys in which two of them are under the age of 3. These children whom I would not trade for anything in the world keep me very buys. I have very little down time due to the fact my littlest only naps for about 45 minutes and my husband works long hours. I am there to listen to my daughter as she tells me about the boy she likes. I am there to to listen to Ashton as he reads to me. I am there to teach Jace how to be nice and respectful, and I am there to chase my 1 year old around the house threatening, "I'm going to get you." I am indeed a Mom.

I am the house Maid. Sometimes I feel like all I do is clean. Not only do I get to do simple daily chores, I also get to clean up Q-tips that have been stuffed down the vents, peanut butter and jelly that has been spread all over the counters, small bits of tire that have traveled home in my kids shoes from the play ground, and sauntering tools that have been left on top of my washer. Yes I am indeed the Maid.

I'm the Cook. Every week I ask my family, "What do you want to eat?" and every week the kids tell me Lasagne and Pizza and Curtis says, "Whatever you want Weetheart." So I decide on all the meals and yes I cook nearly everything by scratch. We eat very little processed and frozen food, and because of this I spend a good amount of time in the kitchen. But I am ok with this because I like to eat good food and its important to me that my children and husband come home to a good meal. I am indeed a Cook.

Mothering, Cooking, and Cleaning are the three things that take up most of my time. Nothing really all that exciting. Besides that, I have a few projects going on right now.

The most time consuming project is Jace's stocking. I cross stitch all my kids stockings and they take me months and months to complete. I am hoping I will get it done before Christmas but my spare time is scarce and I am a little concerned I will not get it done.

I am also teaching myself how to play a new song on the Piano. Its called "Face to Face" by Kenneth Cope.



This song has three flats and some stretches that my little hands don't quite reach but its coming along.

I have succeeded in my weight loss goals I set in the beginning of the year and have actually lost more than I set out to lose. Now I just need to get in better shape. Not that I am in bad shape but lets just say I have a strong desire to be healthy and fit.

I am currently a cub scout leader of both the wolves and bears in my area. I enjoy helping out the boys and the scout program and am looking forward to helping my boys once they become scouts. 

Curtis has been teaching me how to shoot my new hand gun. I have found that if I concentrate and slowly pull my trigger I am actually a pretty good shot. I figure I will get better and faster in time...

When I am not busy with kids and my projects I am helping Curtis with his projects. So I do spend a good amount of time by his side in the garage. That's me trying my best to be a good wife.

And I think that is about it. I have had some trialing times off and on due to both my past and current stressful situations, but seem to get through them alright. It seems like when i am feeling a little bluesy something happens to lift me up or someone says something that makes me remember how loved I really am. Life is not perfect and things don't always turn out how I would have hoped, but I know I am not alone, and that makes a world of difference. 

Saving the Day on Halloween

 We've got Red Riding Hood, Superman, A Pilot, and a Skeleton Pirate.

 Ryker was dressed up as a super cute and adorable Pilot. He wore his ear protection the entire night and actually seemed to like them. Only problem was he literally could not hear a darn thing that was going on around him. Why a Pilot. Because his Dad is a Pilot:)

 When Sage found out that I had once been Red Riding Hood when I was young she thought it would be fun to follow in my footsteps. Only problem with this costume was it was a bit chilly and she fought me on a sweater all night. She did not want to cover up the costume. I convinced her to bring a sweater but she chose a very thin one and was freezing by the end of the night. And yes I did say, "I told you so." :)

 Jace was of course Superman. At home he slaps on a cape and pretends to "save the day" as part of his daily routine. He also nails the different superman poses. As we went from house to house and rang the door bell we would play the superman theme on a little boom box as they opened the door so that Jace would be in full character. He loves the superman theme! This lasted up till Jace continued to throw tantrums when I did not allow him to ring the doorbell 10 times... so I took him home and continued with the older kids without our superhero.

 Ashton has loved skeletons since he was little. Nightmare before Christmas still remains to be one of his favorite movies. So for the third time in his life he decided to go with being a skeleton for Halloween. But he mixed it up this year and wore a mustache. I had a picture of him posing for my mom and he made the funniest face... but for some reason the picture will not download properly.  I will have to try again when my personal techie gets home.

This Is Ryker enjoying a sucker with his cousin Lucas. They are a few months apart in age and were both so stinken cute.

Busy Curtis

Curtis has been very very busy as always. Earlier this year not long after Christmas Curtis started studying for his series 9 and series 10 examinations. For those who do not know what those are they  are examinations that will qualify an individual to act as a principal who supervises sales for a general securities firm. They are not easy tests and they pretty much consumed his life for months. Needless to say when he finally passed them he felt like a load of bricks had been lifted off of his back. Since passing those examinations he has left his job as a call volume analyst and is now in a position of a interim manager. The change has been slightly stressful for Curtis but he is settling nicely into his new position and seems to be doing well.

Curtis continues to participate in Search and Rescue. Call outs seem to be occuring less frequently this year. But when they do occur its usually a lost hiker, a stranded boat, or a medical issue. Right now it is hunting season so they are getting a lot of calls for stranded duck hunters or lost or injured elk hunters.

Curtis always has a million and one projects going. Recently he has plumbed air lines into his garage, and has redone both my landcruiser, and his Military Trailer. The landcruiser received new paint, a new ARB bumper with accompanying winch, and sliders. And it's not done. Soon it will get a new back bumper that Curtis will design and build himself, and receive a 4 inch lift. As for his Military trailer he rebuilt the tongue, took out the fuel tank underneath, rewired the break lights and turn signals, and gave it a fresh coat of bed liner to match the land cruiser.

I know this looks all shiny and nice but if you look closely the clear coat is peeling. Too bad too because I did like the color.

Notice the steps are gone and replaced with sliders... and of course the new cow killing bumper and winch in case we get stuck while off road. And yes he did the paint himself.

This is a military trailer. All the silver spots are where Curtis and I welded holes closed.

When the whole family is in the cruiser we have very little space left in back for stuff. The trailer will make it easier for camping trips.

I think its rather cute that Curtis likes to match his toys:)... although technically the Cruiser is mine. Whatever makes him happy:)

Besides his own projects Curtis has been busy helping out in scouts as the Scout Master for our area. The boys seem to love and respect him and it has been a good position for him. He has also participated in Live History Days at the Miracle of America Museum by playing the part of a Black Power Rifle instructor and demonstrator.

Live History Days. Curtis did very well answering all questions. He sure knows his guns.

Finally Curtis has been working hard as a father and husband. As always he tries to do what is best for out little family and has really been enjoying bonding with his last baby. We appreciate all that he does for us.

Ryker the Toddler

Little Ryker is no longer a baby. He is very much a toddler these days. He started walking before he turned 11 months old and now he is running his mom ragged as he gets into everything under the moon.

Never ever leave Ryker alone in a bathroom. He will open every drawer he can reach and empty it. Then he will proceed to unroll 100 feet of toilet paper, wet it with toilet water, and than paper mache the floor and walls. Then he will take the one toy he brought with him and put that in the toilet to see if it floats. Thank goodness he has not figured out how to flush or I am sure we would have had to unclog the toilets a handful of times.

Ryker is turning out to be a little smaller than his brothers. Both Ashton and Jace have always been a little above average in height. Ryker is a little below average. But the strange thing is he eats more than Jace and Ashton combined at the age of one. I really don't know what to think of it. The boy just loves to eat yet he has not one roll on him. Looks like he got his Dad's metabolism.

Our little toddler talks ALL the time. He is never quiet. Can you understand him? Nope not really. But he knows what he is saying and seems pretty adamant about his demands and opinions. So much that if you argue with him he will scream back at you.

Ryker is a huge cuddler. The little boy always wants to snuggle up and loves to have his back rubbed. This is most likely the sweetest things about him... his ability to covey love through touch. He is definitely a Wilde in that respect.

This boy has no fear of anything. Take him on a motorcycle or a rollercoaster... makes no difference he will not cry. He loves to be thrown, flipped, and twirled. He is definitely an adrenaline junky.

Ryker is still very much blond and his eyes are still VERY blue. His looks remind me of my father. Like I said before he has a lot of Wilde in him.

Little Ryker has been a joy to raise as a baby. And our family is looking forward to him as a toddler. We love Ryker.

My Big Girl Sage

Sage is growing up... or is she? Although Sage is 9 years old, upon meeting her for the first time people think she is 7 because she is so petite. That's right folks, Sage has inherited my "short, and petite" gene. She is the smallest student in her class and proud of it. She may appear younger, but once she opens her mouth people are blow away by her intelligence and her ability to carry an adult conversation.

Sage, like her name implies, is wise beyond her age. Not only does she have a memory like an steel trap, but she also has the ability to take her life experiences and observations and apply them to help others and herself. She has the ability to see things as they truly are and very little gets past her. Where does she get all this knowledge? Well she reads several hours a day, and watches everything and everyone like a hawk soaking in everything like a large sponge that never gets full. As an Adult you have to be careful what you say around her because she will put 2 and 2 together when you  may not want her to.

Everyone LOVES Sage because she LOVES everyone. When Sage was 5 years old her Dad sat her on his knee and said, " If you want to be loved Sage, than you need to reach out to people and love them." She took that to heart, and today not a week goes by where someone does not come up to me and profess how much they love and adore Sage because of how sweet, kind, intelligent, and loving she is.

Sage decided to quit gymnastics. She simply got bored with the weekly classes. And I was ok with that since she really did not have a lot of natural talent. She had the strength but did not have the grace and precision that is required in such a sport. Instead she has decided to take up the Piano and in the Summer wants to try her hand at baseball. During the last baseball season she discovered that she had some natural talent for the sport and would like to further develop this potential talent. Go Sage!

My little girl spends her extra time reading, playing outside and hanging out with friends. In the home she helps me out a lot. When she senses that I am stressed, Sage is quick to try and relieve the stress by doing what she can to take the load off my shoulders. I do not know what I would do without my daughter to help me out.

Sage still holds the title for messiest family member. No matter how many times she is told to clean her room in a week it never lasts for more than a few hours. All three of her brothers combined are cleaner than she is. And that includes Ryker who is in the stage of picking things up and dropping them elsewhere in the house. I really am doubtful if Sage will ever be a very organized person. But as her mom I am not going to give up! One day... one day.

Sage is still a very silly individual. When she starts to giggle, it is very difficult if not impossible to get her to stop. She loves to be goofy and have fun like Ashton and loves to make others laugh.

Sage holds on to her independence. She like Jace, has always been independent and stubborn (not as bad as Jace.) As she gets older. these traits have matured and developed into more positive characteristics. Her independance gives her very little fear of the unknown allowing her to try new things without delay, and her stubornness helps her hold onto her values and stand up for what she knows is right. Very little phases Sage and very little gets her down. She is still very upbeat and positive.

Her greatest challenge right now is dealing with three younger brothers. She can get very frustrated with them especially Ashton who loves to push her buttons. But we are working on her being more patient and understanding and always taking the higher road when faced with a situation where she is tempted to do something mean or where she wants to take her revenge on a more immature siblings.

Sage is my rainbow on a cloudy day. I look at her and see me. I look at her and see great potential. I look at her and see love. I will forever be grateful to have had the chance to be her  mom.

Jace and his Terrible Twos

Jace. Jace at this time is a contradiction. What do I mean by this statement? Well Jace is either super cute and sweet, or he is throwing some sort of tantrum and acting on impulse as 2 year olds do.

We have found that Jace, like Sage, is Very Very smart. He has almost memorized all his ABCs and speaks very well for his age. His vocabulary is getting larger and larger and he says the cutest things using his newly learned language. He always says "please" and "thank you" and I even heard a "bless you" from the other room when I sneezed the other day. I am very thankful for the fact that Jace can speak well because during the period where he was still learning to talk he would get so frustrated at us when we did not understand him.

           Not only does Jace speak well, he also loves to make a sound effect for everything! Cars, motorcycles, walking, moving his arms... it does not matter. Everything has an animated sound. And as he voices out these sounds they are usually paired with some sort of super hero pose. He even runs while puffing out his chest in the most manly way possible while declaring to the world, "I have the power!"

Jace really can be a lot of fun. But he comes with a fair amount of challenges. Firstly, he has turned out to be even more stubborn than Curtis if that is at all possible. If you ask him to do something he does not want to do, he will challenge you every time. "Jace eat your food." in which he responded today, "No I will not eat my food. I will spit it out. I want cake." Of course in the end, Mom will win and Jace WILL eat his food, but the constant battle is tiring at times. Jace is also still figuring out how to get along with a one year old brother. Little Ryker will want to take a toy away from Jace and Jace being a two year old will react in a negative way by either pushing Ryker or yelling at him. I have however been seeing progress as Jace is actually trying to be patient. But patience comes slowly. Especially to a little boy like Jace.

Jace is growing up fast. He wants to play with the "big" kids and is trying to be more and more independent (not that he was dependent before ha ha). He is also quite the ladies man somehow managing to recruit all the teenage girls on the street to play with him.  And they will follow him around when he says, "come on guys." Why? I am not sure. Maybe its his smile, or maybe its his strong personality. Either way I'm going to have to watch that kid closely as he grows up.

Time for Individual Updates! Yay!

So in the summer I actually started writing up a bunch of updates and never finished them due to my crazy life with 4 small children. That and I was trying to get some videos to add to them but getting my older kids to sit down for 3 minutes is nearly impossible. Now these so called updates are all old news and outdated. So i figured I would do one at a time to fit my schedule better.

We will do this randomly and start with Ashton.

Ashton is in 1st grade this year. He has his good and bad days. Sometimes he likes school, other times he finds it to be boring and the kids to be mean. Having said that, Ashton can be overly sensitive.  I have to remind him on a daily basis not to take things too seriously and to look for the positive in all situations. Even though he may not always love school, Ashton does well and seems not to struggle in any way. He easily memorizes his spelling words and math seems to come easy to him. He is working on increasing his speed of getting assignments done. He likes to take his time on nearly everything. Not because he does not know how to do it, but because he likes to do it carefully and neatly.

Ashton is the tease of the family. He is ALWAYS teasing his sister and younger brothers. Mom does not like the fact he teases them because she has to hear about it all the time. But Ashton likes to giggle and laugh and loves to get a good reaction especially from Sage.

Friends are important to Ashton. He loves to play with the neighborhood kids and looks for every opportunity to head over to the neighbors houses.

Recently we got a Clavinova so we could start piano lessons for Sage. Surprisingly enough Ashton has actually taken interest in piano himself and has more of a knack for it at 6 than Sage does at 9. Although I guess I am not too surprised. When Ashton was a baby he would kick in his bouncer to the beat of the music.

I have been encouraging Ashton to continue to figure out who he is. He still heavily depends on his sister to define himself. I will continue to find things I can enroll Ashton in so that he can find a hobby that fits him well and that he likes. I have noticed as of late that Ashton is very good building intricate structures out of blocks. So maybe he will be an architect! Who knows. It should be interesting to watch Ashton grow up and mature into a young man with goals and dreams.

A Need to Love

"I love you because of how you love me" are the words that I hear from my husband when ever I ask him why he loves me.  I think the need for a person to be loved is typical. Everyone should have the God given right to be loved. I know that I enjoy being truly loved. But the more I thought about it, I realized that being loved is important to me, but actively loving someone and having that person let me love them openly and passionately is even more important. Within me I have this intense drive to love someone, and have that love accepted and not rejected.

So what does it mean to me to actively love someone? Let me explain.

Thoughts
Someone I truly love will be more than a passing thought. When I actively love someone I think of them almost at every opportunity I get. Basically, when my mind is able to relax it will always land on the people that I love. My subconsciousness will also have me dream often of those I love. Some might call it a bit obsessed but I think that it is natural. Think about it. When you first meet and start to date someone you are always thinking of them. Why does that have to stop once your relationship matures? I don't think it should. And thinking of the person that I love gives me a lot of joy and makes me smile.

Service
I love to serve and do things for those I love. My husband is practically spoiled. You would think I would get tired of getting him a glass of water with ice every night, but I don't. I know every night that he thinks, "She loves me." When I mow the lawn every 5 days so that he does not have to deal with allergies, I know that he appreciates it. And when he is sick, I baby him as I would one of my children.  That's not all I do but I will not go into details for fear that people will know how spoiled he really is:). Lets just say this wife would do about anything for Curtis because he lets me love him without holding me back.

Verbal
 I love you... those words are not rare coming out of my mouth. Poor Curtis gets random I love you's through out the day via phone calls, texts, and face to face conversations. Not only do I have a great need to express my love through those simple words, but i also have a great need to tell those I love how great I think they are. I don't do it for them, I do it for me because bottling up  my love and thoughts for someone takes much more energy than simply expressing them.

Physical
I am a very physical person. I blame it on my Dad who was always so kissy and touchy with my mom. And like verbally expressing love, I am driven to express it by touch. I get a lot out of a sweet kiss, a gentle squeeze, and simple hand hold. Physically loving someone weather by a simple hug or something much more lets me feel close to them. And I believe that most people need to feel close to someone in order to feel whole themselves.

Thoughts, Service, Verbal love, and Physical love are all the ways that I like to actively love someone. If I have ever loved someone in the past and feel like I can't do all those things, I feel as though I am suffocating. If I feel like all those things are not being received positively It saddens me. When I am actively loving someone I feel amazing. It is one of the things that I was born to do and I am very good at it when allowed and able to express myself fully.

Taking Responsibility

I have had plenty happen to me in my short life.

There were times in my life where my heart would beat so fast and so hard for so long due to anxiety that I could hardly breath.

There were times where I literally cried all night long several nights in a row waking with a very swollen face and a even more pitiful broken heart.

There were times where I was hopeful because I believed in someone and their word, but was sadly dissapointed when I realized that person's word was not as strong as I thought it was.

There have been times where I have let others make me feel miniscule and worthless.

There have been times where I literally did not want to get out of bed and face the world.

There have been many times where I have felt alone... longing for someone to understand me and lift me up holding me close and simply loving me for who I am.

Yes there have been times. An no matter how many times someone or something lets me down, I find that I am my greatest enemy. I KNOW what it takes to be happy. I KNOW what I need. I KNOW what things I do to myself that makes my life harder to live. I know what I need to let go of in order to live without any turmoil churning in my head. And you know what? I think you know too. I think we all know. But we hang onto these things that complicate our lives. We have a hard time letting go and following out hearts and our conscience. In turn we subject ourselves to this emotional torture that is not necessary. Such simplicity yet so infernally complicated. If only I could take better control of ME and MY thoughts and actions. Because you have no forbearance on me. No matter what you do or say it will NOT change who I am or what I will do. Those are MY decisions and mine alone. And if you blame others on your actions, you hide behind a lie. And if I blame others for my actions I would be living a lie. And living a lie would be even more torture to me than taking responsibility for my own self. And who in tarnation would want to live like that!

Glacier

Oh the miserable heat. Oh what seemed like the eternal construction sites. But then there were the pretty mountains and the vast Montana blue sky... until it turned grey and pelted rain down toward the earth like an angry mob.

Can you blame me for being grumpy? I was hot, tired, and gosh darn it my hair was all sorts of messed up from the incessant wind whipping at my face.

Yes Mom tried to console me. But it was not enough.

Oh look, there is Dad. Have not seen him for a while. Been in the world of the back seat for way too long. Good to see you Dad. Please get us there a little faster. We are going where again? Oh yeah a place called Montana.

 This park cost how much to get in?? $25! We better make our time count! But ummm... Mom, I think Jace is stinky.

And  I've been meaning to tell you. I'm stinky too. Say what??!!

 You only have one diaper on you!!! Well at least its one of mine! Feels good to be dry. You better go and find a good soul willing to part with one of their diapers for the sake of my brothers discomfort since there are no stores around. Ah I see you found one... looks a little small. You are going to do what? You are going to put my clean dry diaper on Jace who is two sizes bigger and put me in a size two which is one size too small... uggg fine. It is what it is, but you owe me one!

 Ok... I can see why people are willing to pay to get into this park... it is pretty.

 But do you have to hug the Cedar Trees? No wonder why dad calls all of you weird! I swear Sagey is turning into a mini mom!

 I just seem to go from one sitting place to another... I think I might as well take a nap.

 I mean what could I miss? Could the water get any prettier? Maybe it could.

 I'm sure my brothers and sister will tell me all about it.

 So this is what we hiked for 1.5 hours to get to.  This is what Ashton tripped and fell like a ball of lead for three times. Avalanche Lake is what they call it huh. And they say it will be gone in how many years? Well good thing we hiked to it then.

 Dad says you can put your feet in the water but you can't fall and get wet. Well there goes Ashton he fell. Called that one! Good thing he has at least an hour+ to dry off.

 Oh look. Some wildlife on the lake. Well we better get back. What?? Jace gets my seat on the way back to help speed things up? Well at least I get mom. Ummph, I can't believe mom just tripped and fell while holding me in her arms. Good thing she is a graceful faller. Other than skinned up shins and some bruises on her legs you would have never known she fell. I did not even cry because I had no reason to. Guess I have to go with Dad now who will carry me on his front while Jace is on his back... but I'm not happy with it. I think I will cry. Why is Dad hiking so fast!? I can't see mom anymore! Ah well I think I will follow the example of my brother Jace and fall asleep.

 Back in the car. Oh look a goat!

 Look at that view. I feel so small.

 I think I will fall asleep in the car again. I know mom will stay with me while the others go and look at  a few more things.

 I mean what could I miss?

 Other than a bighorn sheep stopping traffic so everyone can gawk at it. But hey, we have those in Utah. And guess what they are just as unintelligent in Montana as they are in Utah. Silly thing was practically in the road just like you find them in American Fork Canyon!

Ahhh the end of a day. Back at the rental. Free at last to sit on my own unrestrained and hang out with my favorite sister. What a day!