Marital Love

I was thinking today about the love one has for a spouse. There are many ups and downs within a marriage that may cause one to question his/her love for a spouse to the point they wonder if they ever really truly loved their spouse to begin with. This happens in almost any marriage. In fact my councilor that I had for about a year before my last marriage ended said that on average a spouse will fall in and out of love with their companion at least 3 times during the length of their marriage. What triggers these emotional and somewhat irrational outbreaks? Stress? Change? Monotony? Midlife Crisis? Well I believe all of the above and more.

There was a time in my last marriage that I did not believe I loved my spouse anymore. I would tell myself that I did not have anything in common with him, that he never wanted to do what I wanted to do, that he was too involved in his own world to even care about mine. I did not want to emotionally involve myself with him anymore because I did not want to hurt. But I found that as I distanced myself from him I felt more hurt than when I was trying. I did not want to hear that I should keep on trying in the marriage so I would push myself away from my family and others to the point I felt very much alone. I would then reach out to those who would tell me what I thought I wanted to hear which in turn was more damaging. When I finally came to grips and knew that I loved him enough to try it had to be on my own time and my on terms. So I did… I put my all back into the marriage and I felt much better even though my marriage was anything but perfect. I still hurt due to my X’s decisions but I was at peace with myself once more. I clung to those people who really matter… The Lord, my family, my spouse, and my close girlfriends. I then tried my best to apologize for putting my spouse through “Hell” as I figured a few things out in my heart. Unfortunately I was too late and I had pushed him far enough away that he did not feel like coming back to me when I was ready to come back to him. The only peace I have with that whole situation is that I know I did what was right in the end even if I was not on the right path before that. Things did not work out and I have accepted that and have moved on. But that does not mean that others can not learn from my mistakes and my comebacks.

We choose to love someone or not to love him or her. We make a choice to put our all into our relationship or to let it slip away. I have gotten a second chance in marriage. Again my marriage is not perfect… no marriage is. There are days that Curtis and I do not agree on anything. But we try our best to love each other even on bad days. Sometimes this means a simple gesture such as putting a hand on your spouses back while you lie in bed after having just argued over something stupid. Even if it means not doing something that you know will give your spouse anxiety no matter how much you want to engage in that activity. Even if it means just going through the motions and jumping through the hoops till your emotions calm down enough to see that you still love you spouse and you never stopped loving your spouse. All of that is love. We just don’t fall out of love. It does not work that way even though some of us think it does during times of our lives. When we feel like we need to push away from our spouse, that is when we need to cling onto them even more. And if your spouse tries to push you away, that is when you need to love them more than ever and not judge them letting them find themselves back to you. And they will. Because in the end they really do love you, they just need to figure some things out.

By the way, you do not have to have everything in common with someone to love him or her. If that were the case men would not love women and visa versa because men and women are very different. We communicate differently, we see things differently and we react to things differently. And the funny thing is we need these differences. At first it seems to be a cruel joke played by God, but in the end if we love and respect each other our differences help and compliment each other helping us reach our true potential.

And finally I post this picture... because it reminded me of me when I was begging for my X to love me and and getting little response. It hurt... and I felt like this kitty. I'm sure some of you relate. We all need to be loved. So lets get a loving.

Two Years ago today

It was a cold icy Sunday afternoon. I told Curtis that I would meet him at his house around 4. I had never met this man Curtis, but had corresponded with him for about a month on a daily basis. We had asked each other many questions both personal and impersonal so I felt like I knew him and I felt like we were friends.

I looked up at the clock. It was already passed four. I needed to hurry and finish up what I was doing so I could get out the door. My phone rang. It was him. Curtis asked where I was. I could tell by his tone that he was annoyed that I had not arrived yet. I thought to myself, "Who does he think he is talking to me in that tone?" I quickly grabbed a warm hat and coat and headed out the door with my Zune.

The drive was not a long one. We lived about 5 minutes from each other. I was still a little on edge from our conversation earlier on the phone. I took a left at the school and took an immediate right after the purple house. I looked for the large yellow Avalanch Truck with Search and Rescue printed on the side. There it was. There he was shoveling his driveway with a flat shovel. He looked different in person than in his pictures... I got out of my car and proceeded to walk toward him. Unexpectedly I was hit with a cold icy snowball. Any resentment from our earlier phone conversation quickly melted away as a large grin erupted on my face. Our eyes met each other. His eyes were so intense full on intelligence and passion. I felt like I had know him for years! He directed me toward the house grabbing my arm and guiding me up his steps and into his house.

There I was. His place was small and very much looked like a bachelor Pad. I removed my coat and hat and sat down on a single chair. I noticed the Amazon Parrot in the room and spent some time getting to know him. He sat down on the couch and beckoned me to sit next to him so I could see the lap top screen as we searched for music to upload on my Zune. I conceded and we began to go through a lot of music. I had about 20 songs that I wanted to find. We were able to find some of them and then he proceeded to fill the file with music that he thought I would like labeling the file, "Becky's half boring hits". As he browsed through his music I looked at him and had a sudden urge to put my head on his shoulder. I fought that urge and resisted. After maybe 2 hours of listening to songs and uploading songs we said our goodbyes and I proceeded home.

Later on that week Curtis asked me why I had not put my head on his shoulder? I was astounded. "How did you know I had that desire that day?" He responded, "I just know things." Curtis and I said nothing regarding feelings that first day we met. But words were not necessary. We knew there was something special there. Happy two year anniversary my wonderful husband! I am glad that my destiny led me to you and I hope I am always deserving of your love.

For The Experience of Course!

Every year people ask me why Curtis and I bother getting a tag so we can cut our own Christmas Tree on Forest Service land. People proclaim, "You spend just as much on gas as you do buying one from a lot", "The tree is never as perfect as store bought ones", "It's such a pain" and finally "Fake tree's are so much easier!" My answer to all these statements is, "We cut down our own tree for the experience."

This year we had quite the experience! Mom Dudley and I both purchased tags this year so we all piled into the cruiser and headed toward Vernon. After about an hour and a half drive, we arrived at our destination. We pull out the map thinking it may be useful... it wasn't, so it was quickly set aside. I had wanted a fir this year because I love the shape of firs to Pinyon Pines. Off we went to the far end of the plot where the mountains were located. Just as we arrived I read the paper that came with the permits. It said that only Juniper and Pinyon Pine could be cut. No one in the car knew the difference between a pine and fir, but I did. And I could not in good conscience cut down a fir when I knew it was against the rules... so back in the car we all went in search of the elusive pines.

We drove around for a few hours finding a few scattered here and a few scattered there. We were attempting to find the location of our last cut from last year but were not having any luck. We seemed to be somewhat lost. We hiked up the hills and back down. Where were all the pine we remembered from last year??? 5 hours later we were all getting grumpy and found a few trees that would suffice. Mom and Dad's tree was just the right size for their spot in the living room. And our tree... well it looked smaller out in the forest than in my house. Curtis told me it was huge but I insisted it wasn't. I was wrong. Loading our tree was difficult. It was a lot heavier than it looked. The girls had to actually help the men get it loaded and it barely fit on top of the cruiser. But we managed, and as we drove the main dirt road out we discovered that somehow while driving this road earlier we had missed the huge grove of pines that we had cut our tree down in last year. It was right there. A five minute drive from the main road. How could we have missed that?? We could have saved ourself hours of hiking, driving, and listening to the baby cry. Whatever, lets go home. We drove home taking the scenic route a few times due to missed turns and tired eyes.

We arrived home late around 6PM. Getting our tree inside was a bit of a challenge. The tree was so heavy we had to anchor it to the wall so it would not tip over and smash our children. And there it was... standing tall and fat and releasing its pine smell through the entire house. Why do we cut our own tree down? For the experience! And why do we get a live tree? Because having grown up in Oregon, a fake one is just wrong, and of course I love the smell. Yes we were all sick and tired of searching for a tree by the end of five hours... but would we do it again? Absolutely.

Jace and I standing near a stream that was frozen over. This is where the firs were found.

Grandpa and Sage wondering up and down the grassy hills searching for the perfect tree.

Father and Son hiking up a hill after cutting down the smaller tree.

Jace and Grandma hanging out in the car waiting for the men to cut down the tree.

Curtis and Dad Dudley dragging the tree to the car.

Curtis standing next to our tree exhausted after cutting the large sappy trunk.

Men helplessly trying to load the tree. It was very top heavy.

The women stepped in and saved the day by helping the guys get it up on the top of the cruiser.

And there it is in all its glory. Double my height and as wide as I am tall. And of course the picture does not do it justice.