Fourth and Final Dudley

It was the end of August. I was going about my day cleaning the bathrooms when all of a sudden I had the strangest urge to get pregnant. I quickly dismissed the thought simply because my little Jace was only 9 months old and I like to wait in between kids to give both my body and stress level a break. Throughout the day these thoughts kept on creeping back into my mind and I kept on pushing them right back out. After all it would be crazy to get pregnant when Jace was so young! That night I had a dream where I was pregnant doing day to day things with my three kids.

This trend of crazy thoughts and dreams continued for the next 3 days. I then decided that it would be appropriate at this point to tell Curtis. "Sweetheart, I know this sounds absolutely insane but lately I have had the strange impression that I should stop taking my birth control and get pregnant". His eyebrows raised and he looked at me like I knew he would. "That is crazy dear, but if you feel that way then go for it." I proceeded to tell him how these promptings had been strong and insistent like it was meant for me to get pregnant right away. He agreed with me and told me it sounded like our destiny was laid out for us. It was then we decided to wait allowing me to finish two more weeks of birth control pills so that I could have a period before I got pregnant ( In the past with all three of my kids I have gotten pregnant within 2 weeks of stopping birth control). The next day my period started in the middle of my pills which never happens. I took that as a sign that I needed to follow my crazy promptings right then and there so I did not take a pill after that day.

I started planning my calender. Lets see, I will get pregnant in two weeks, I will get sick in about 6 to 8 weeks... I will find out what it is in four months, and will have the baby in nine. One month pasted... I was not pregnant. This was a whole new experience to me. It had never taken more than two weeks and now I was faced with the fact that it just might take longer this time and I could not plan my life out to a "T" like I liked to do. I was going to have to wait it out like most women do! How awful!

Two more months went by and I was still not pregnant. Then on December 17th I finally got a positive. I was so excited! But 4 days later I lost it. That's right, I had just had my first miscarriage. Did you know that 20% of all early term pregnancies end in miscarriage due to things not forming right? That was what my doctor told me to help me feel better. It worked to some degree but I was still emotionally on a roller coaster and cried for a good 24 hours straight. In the end I was thankful for having had this experience so that I know what its like, giving me a chance to somewhat relate to those who have had a miscarriage. It really is hard to get excited about the little person inside of you just to lose them.

After this experience I started to think that maybe I was done. Maybe my body had had enough. Maybe I was not meant to have four kids like Curtis and I had planned.

January 14th was a Saturday where Curtis was busy in the garage working on his Mustang. He needed to go out and get some new cleaning supplies from Harbor Freight. I asked him if he could pick up a few pregnancy tests for me since it had been about a month since I had lost my baby. He did, and I took a test. It was a very faint positive. I was pregnant again. This time I told no one but my husband. What if I lost it again? I just didn't want to have to tell someone I had a miscarriage like before. So I waited.. that is till now. My morning sickness has kicked in which can be an indicator of a healthy pregnancy. Or at least I hope it is!

So yes. I am pregnant with my fourth and final kid. This will be the last time that I Becky Dudley will be with child. Kinda a crazy thought that I am moving slowly into a new stage of my life. Soon in a few years I will not have anymore babies in the house. Yet another crazy thought. Makes me want to cherish the moments I have now... even though they may be stressful at times and take all my free time and energy. I wonder who the little critter inside of me is... Is it my girl I have been wanting? Or will it be another sweet baby boy? Who knows... and I suppose in the end it really does not matter. Right now I'm just hoping for a healthy pregnancy and an even healthier baby.

Moving on

Recently I have watched a friend go through a really rough time in her life. Without going into details, she was severely hurt emotionally and physically. 2011 was no picnic for her and it has left her a bit broken. She asks, " When will I be over this?" How many of us have asked ourselves this question when life gets tough and hits us in our blind spot from behind? You might be surprised that you are not the only one. So how do you move on when this happens? How do you pick your self up, dust your self off and continue with your head held high and your spirits unbroken. From my experience I have found that it takes the following things to continue with your life unscathed: a good support group, self realization, a decision to move on, a positive attitude, and simply time.

When life sucker punches you to the ground, you need to surround yourself with a team to help you back up to your feet and stabilize you. Why? Simply because you may not be in the state of mind or have the will and strenth to be able to do it on your own. This team of people may be your family, neighbors, or friends. It maybe a councelor, a bishop, or even an acquaintance. Whomever you choose to surround yourself with, make sure they are positive and encouraging. You should feel at peace around them. They should improve your life by just being in the room. At the same time its important that your support group keeps you thinking logically and realistically. Let them help you and guide you to making good decisions as you progress though this tough time.

Secondly, you need to realize who you are and the fact that you are a great individual no matter what has happened and who may have told you otherwise. When you realize your potential, you can strive to become it, pushing forward with a understanding that you can be anyone you want to be. You don't need to let your past define who you are. Let it refine you into something better instead of letting it drag you down. When you start to love yourself again, the sun will rise and you will feel infinitely better.

As your confidence level rises thanks to your support groups and your own self realization, you will find that a point comes where you have to make a mental decision to start the process of moving on. This is an important task. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are going to be happy and you are going to leave your past behind you taking only the positive from it and leaving the negative to rot away to nothingness. Shout out to the world that yes, you are moving on. Verbally proclaim it to all those around you, so that you are committed both silently and publicly. Keep in mind that starting to move on it just that... you are STARTING the process and it may take a while before you complete the task. Having said that, also keep in mind once you have made the decision to move on, a ton of bricks will be lifted off of your load and you will feel significantly better.

Ok! You are feeling better, but now its time to gritt your teeth and buckle up for the long road ahead of you! How do you do this? With you attitude of course:). It important to remain positive. The pain and hurt will not immediately go away and it will be easy to slide back into depression and self pity. Don't do this. It only hurts yourself. Remain hopeful for your future life and beyond all else, forgive those who may have trespassed against you. This positive attitude and kindness to others will give you peace of mind and of heart that is vital to the healing process.

Finally as you press forward holding onto all that is positive and good, remember that it takes time. For some its a short period of time. For others it takes significantly longer. Just know that time does heal all wounds. And one day you WILL wake up, and all the wounds of your heart will be sealed up leaving only a faint scar to remind you of your past so that you may learn from it and not repeat those things that led you to being hurt in the first place. That is the beauty of all of this! If you get bashed in the face by life, your face will heal and you can fix it making it even more beautiful than before! It's crazy but its true! And beyond all else, remember that God does love you and he wants you to be happy. So don't forget to pray to him. He will help you in ways that you can not help yourself. He will give you the spirit of peace and you will feel his love. And that is the best medicine of all.

Celebrating two births and a New Year

I have been a bit slow blogging for December. So I thought I would just combine the two events for the month.

Our darling little boy Jace turned 1 this month on December 16th! I can not believe it has already been one year since he was born. We invited family over to join us in singing happy birthday, eating cake, and opening presents. Jace seemed to love his cake but was not willing to dig into it like a crazed one year old usually does. He sort of just picked at the frosting and nibbled at the cake. He also refused to open any of his presents which turned out well for his siblings and cousins who were chomping at the bit to help him out. I honestly think there was just too much noise and confusion for him to be able to focus much. I made him a duck cake since his first word other than mama and dada was duck. To celebrate turning one, Jace also decided to start walking! Yay for Jace!

All of Jace's cousins wanted to help open the presents and play with the toys.

Is that a marshmallow?? It feels squishy like one... I think it is a marshmallow!

Happy Birthday Jace! You are 1!!!! Have a Duck Cake.

The second birth we celebrated was that of our Lord Jesus Christ. Christmas went well. We attended church with Mom and Dad Wilde and ate a lot of good food. The kids loved opening their Christmas presents and seeing all their grandparents and relatives.

Ashton got new star wars including the Millennium Falcon, cars, clothes, shoes, an ant farm, puzzles, a toy rifle, tools, and other stuff. He has really been enjoying all his new stuff especially his puzzles and his new shoes. Why shoes? Because he can actually tell which foot his new shoes go on!

Sage received lots of hair stuff, pet shop, clothes, a suit case, books, a tadpole rearing kit, paint by number art kit, and... ummm other stuff that is not coming to mind. She has been having a blast reading her Pippi Books and devours them within a few nights. She has also been enjoying her Pet Shop which is to be expected.

Jace got some fun toys but was pretty oblivious to what was going on. His favorite thing he got was his push car and some small wood cars. He loves running the walker back and forth and get frustrated when he runs into walls. The small toy cars he will roll all around the house and loves destroying them and building them back up.

Christmas was a lot of fun this year. It was nice seeing some of my brothers and sisters that I do not see too often and dinner was delicious (Thanks Mom Wilde for working so hard on that). But by the end of the day we were all tired and glad to be in our warm beds.

Some of the spoils of the day. Ashton was pretty pleased.

Ashton's face when he saw the Millennium Falcon under the tree with a big bow on it. Notice the mismatching socks... yeah Santa brought him new socks:)

Sage shows us some of her newly acquired stuff.

Look mom its the pet shop I wanted and it walks!!

Jace claps for himself and his present.

Dad I can help you in the garage now!

Sage made me a ceramic pot holder:)

I should mention that we did celebrate the new year.... even if we did not do too much. We went to the park, ate out at Sizzlers, and played games with the kiddos. We then went to bed since the kids are too young to stay up and Curtis and I are apparently too old. At midnight the fireworks woke Curtis up which in turn he woke me up, asked for a new year kiss and went back to bed. I know, we are quite the party animals! lol. Now on with the new year! Wonder what it will bring...