Remembering to "Feel"

2013 was a great year. I have no complaints. I have a husband who loves me more than anyone, children who love me more than anyone, a cat that loves me more than anyone... what more could I ask for?! I am indeed a lucky woman. And as Curtis and I lay in bed last night listening to the rumble of the fireworks he asked me what my new year resolution would be. And in all honesty I could not come up with anything at the time. So I responded, "I guess I will keep on working on becoming a better person, wife and mother."

As I have thought more about Curtis's question, something has actually come to mind. It has been something that I have been thinking about a lot this last week. It came to mind while cleaning very late one night. I had been and still was pretty sick from what I have determined was the flu, but things needed to be done so I was heading outside with trash at 11:45pm. As I stepped outside into the frigid air I looked up and saw the stars shining oh so very bright. And for the first time in several weeks I remembered to feel. I not only saw those stars, I felt those stars and it felt so good.

Over the past month things have been insanely stressful for me. And to add to the stress of daily life I was blind sighted by some very harsh words written by my X. With all this stress and added stress I started to shut down putting up emotional walls to some who did not deserve it and others who probably did. As my walls went up I started to feel less and less towards most people and things but continued with my daily life trying to be a good person despite the void that had been recently created within me. It was not till that Saturday after Christmas when I saw those stars that I realized I had not "felt" for a while.

Do you ever wonder who is looking at the stars at the exact moment you are?

 During a really rough time in my life I used to tell people that I would rather feel pain than feel nothing at all. Curtis thinks I am crazy but I hold to that statement. You can see, hear, touch, and taste all you want but if you don't feel what you are experiencing you are missing out on the true essence of your experience. When I listen to a guitar being stroked, I feel the music. When I taste that superb cuisine I feel the flavors. And when I see those beautiful stars I feel love. That's right, stars remind me that I am loved and love is the best feeling of all. Feeling those stars the other night reminded me that walls were not worth losing the ability to feel beyond you basic senses.

So this year my new year resolution is simple. I will try my best to remember to "feel" life as I experience it and to keep my walls down. Happy New Year my friend. Hope you remember to "feel" as well.

Becky's Thoughts- Trust

When I was a little girl I saw a commercial. A lady in the commercial proclaimed that if you could scratch DRY in you skin you needed to run out and buy her moisturizer. I looked down at my forearm and proceeded to scratch out DRY and found out that I was one of those people who needed that product! I ran to my mom and told her immediately. She sat me down and told me that I was too trusting, and that just because someone says something does not mean its true.

As I grew up, although I understood what my mother told me, I was still overly trusting. No one as of yet had ever really hurt me and I believed that mankind in general was good. But then life gave me some major challenges and I had to deal with a large amount of dishonesty. Even then I clung onto the hope and belief that the dishonesty that I was dealing with was not real, that it would stop. I struggled greatly within myself those years. I wanted to trust with my entirety but for the first time I found myself doubting. I found that not knowing was the only way I could escape from it. So I would try my hardest not to find things. But they would surface again and again. My ability to trust had been destroyed.

Trust is a fragile thing. It is easily broken and can not be fixed with ease. Trust is something that has to be earned. If you continually do or say things that are dishonest it makes it very difficult for someone to respect and trust you.

One can regain trust back but it comes slowly with a lot of work and dedication. And even then, that person may never trust you again. Some people are definitely more forgiving than others.

I am thankful for the fact that I can trust those who I am closest with. Life is so much easier when you are not burdened with deceit. And that goes both ways. I know that by being honest with my fellow man it makes my life easier as well. As for my current status in trusting people, its still not what it was, but it is healing.

Jace Turns 3

Jace turns 3 on the 16th. We celebrated his birthday a day early since we were with the Dudley clan. I can not believe how time has flown. It seems like it was just yesterday I found out I was pregnant with Jace.

This year I broke my cake making mold and actually used fondant. Usually I do not bother with fondant because I honestly do not like how it tastes. But fondant seemed to be the logical choice for this cake so I whipped up a homemade fondant and constructed this Handy Manny Toolbox. I can not take credit for the tools themselves. Those were part of Jace's present. It turned out pretty well considering my lack of fondant knowledge and expertise. But the important part was that Jace loved it!

This last year has been fun and challenging with Jace. He is such a cute and intelligent little guy but also very headstrong. I am looking forward to what lays around the corner with this little fella. He is a pretty special guy.

Here are some pictures and videos. I apologize for the poor quality in the pictures. Jace has taken up the habit of playing with my camera and changed the setting without me knowing it. I also included two videos of Jace blowing out his cake and dancing with his new tools. And finally a video I took of him the other day when he went out to play in the snow.

Ryker loves chocolate and decided to climb on Grandma's table to get some more!

Moi

When Curtis saw this picture that my brother had taken of me he said, "Yep that's you." This slightly goofy shot really does show a glimpse into the real me. Often times absurdly silly and laughing at myself.

I really don't like to write about myself... I tried to get Curtis to do it but he declined (which was expected.) But I know that some of you would be highly disappointed if I did not write something so here I go.

I'm a Mom. I have one 9 year old girl on the verge of becoming an early teen and three very active boys in which two of them are under the age of 3. These children whom I would not trade for anything in the world keep me very buys. I have very little down time due to the fact my littlest only naps for about 45 minutes and my husband works long hours. I am there to listen to my daughter as she tells me about the boy she likes. I am there to to listen to Ashton as he reads to me. I am there to teach Jace how to be nice and respectful, and I am there to chase my 1 year old around the house threatening, "I'm going to get you." I am indeed a Mom.

I am the house Maid. Sometimes I feel like all I do is clean. Not only do I get to do simple daily chores, I also get to clean up Q-tips that have been stuffed down the vents, peanut butter and jelly that has been spread all over the counters, small bits of tire that have traveled home in my kids shoes from the play ground, and sauntering tools that have been left on top of my washer. Yes I am indeed the Maid.

I'm the Cook. Every week I ask my family, "What do you want to eat?" and every week the kids tell me Lasagne and Pizza and Curtis says, "Whatever you want Weetheart." So I decide on all the meals and yes I cook nearly everything by scratch. We eat very little processed and frozen food, and because of this I spend a good amount of time in the kitchen. But I am ok with this because I like to eat good food and its important to me that my children and husband come home to a good meal. I am indeed a Cook.

Mothering, Cooking, and Cleaning are the three things that take up most of my time. Nothing really all that exciting. Besides that, I have a few projects going on right now.

The most time consuming project is Jace's stocking. I cross stitch all my kids stockings and they take me months and months to complete. I am hoping I will get it done before Christmas but my spare time is scarce and I am a little concerned I will not get it done.

I am also teaching myself how to play a new song on the Piano. Its called "Face to Face" by Kenneth Cope.



This song has three flats and some stretches that my little hands don't quite reach but its coming along.

I have succeeded in my weight loss goals I set in the beginning of the year and have actually lost more than I set out to lose. Now I just need to get in better shape. Not that I am in bad shape but lets just say I have a strong desire to be healthy and fit.

I am currently a cub scout leader of both the wolves and bears in my area. I enjoy helping out the boys and the scout program and am looking forward to helping my boys once they become scouts. 

Curtis has been teaching me how to shoot my new hand gun. I have found that if I concentrate and slowly pull my trigger I am actually a pretty good shot. I figure I will get better and faster in time...

When I am not busy with kids and my projects I am helping Curtis with his projects. So I do spend a good amount of time by his side in the garage. That's me trying my best to be a good wife.

And I think that is about it. I have had some trialing times off and on due to both my past and current stressful situations, but seem to get through them alright. It seems like when i am feeling a little bluesy something happens to lift me up or someone says something that makes me remember how loved I really am. Life is not perfect and things don't always turn out how I would have hoped, but I know I am not alone, and that makes a world of difference. 

Saving the Day on Halloween

 We've got Red Riding Hood, Superman, A Pilot, and a Skeleton Pirate.

 Ryker was dressed up as a super cute and adorable Pilot. He wore his ear protection the entire night and actually seemed to like them. Only problem was he literally could not hear a darn thing that was going on around him. Why a Pilot. Because his Dad is a Pilot:)

 When Sage found out that I had once been Red Riding Hood when I was young she thought it would be fun to follow in my footsteps. Only problem with this costume was it was a bit chilly and she fought me on a sweater all night. She did not want to cover up the costume. I convinced her to bring a sweater but she chose a very thin one and was freezing by the end of the night. And yes I did say, "I told you so." :)

 Jace was of course Superman. At home he slaps on a cape and pretends to "save the day" as part of his daily routine. He also nails the different superman poses. As we went from house to house and rang the door bell we would play the superman theme on a little boom box as they opened the door so that Jace would be in full character. He loves the superman theme! This lasted up till Jace continued to throw tantrums when I did not allow him to ring the doorbell 10 times... so I took him home and continued with the older kids without our superhero.

 Ashton has loved skeletons since he was little. Nightmare before Christmas still remains to be one of his favorite movies. So for the third time in his life he decided to go with being a skeleton for Halloween. But he mixed it up this year and wore a mustache. I had a picture of him posing for my mom and he made the funniest face... but for some reason the picture will not download properly.  I will have to try again when my personal techie gets home.

This Is Ryker enjoying a sucker with his cousin Lucas. They are a few months apart in age and were both so stinken cute.

Busy Curtis

Curtis has been very very busy as always. Earlier this year not long after Christmas Curtis started studying for his series 9 and series 10 examinations. For those who do not know what those are they  are examinations that will qualify an individual to act as a principal who supervises sales for a general securities firm. They are not easy tests and they pretty much consumed his life for months. Needless to say when he finally passed them he felt like a load of bricks had been lifted off of his back. Since passing those examinations he has left his job as a call volume analyst and is now in a position of a interim manager. The change has been slightly stressful for Curtis but he is settling nicely into his new position and seems to be doing well.

Curtis continues to participate in Search and Rescue. Call outs seem to be occuring less frequently this year. But when they do occur its usually a lost hiker, a stranded boat, or a medical issue. Right now it is hunting season so they are getting a lot of calls for stranded duck hunters or lost or injured elk hunters.

Curtis always has a million and one projects going. Recently he has plumbed air lines into his garage, and has redone both my landcruiser, and his Military Trailer. The landcruiser received new paint, a new ARB bumper with accompanying winch, and sliders. And it's not done. Soon it will get a new back bumper that Curtis will design and build himself, and receive a 4 inch lift. As for his Military trailer he rebuilt the tongue, took out the fuel tank underneath, rewired the break lights and turn signals, and gave it a fresh coat of bed liner to match the land cruiser.

I know this looks all shiny and nice but if you look closely the clear coat is peeling. Too bad too because I did like the color.

Notice the steps are gone and replaced with sliders... and of course the new cow killing bumper and winch in case we get stuck while off road. And yes he did the paint himself.

This is a military trailer. All the silver spots are where Curtis and I welded holes closed.

When the whole family is in the cruiser we have very little space left in back for stuff. The trailer will make it easier for camping trips.

I think its rather cute that Curtis likes to match his toys:)... although technically the Cruiser is mine. Whatever makes him happy:)

Besides his own projects Curtis has been busy helping out in scouts as the Scout Master for our area. The boys seem to love and respect him and it has been a good position for him. He has also participated in Live History Days at the Miracle of America Museum by playing the part of a Black Power Rifle instructor and demonstrator.

Live History Days. Curtis did very well answering all questions. He sure knows his guns.

Finally Curtis has been working hard as a father and husband. As always he tries to do what is best for out little family and has really been enjoying bonding with his last baby. We appreciate all that he does for us.

Ryker the Toddler

Little Ryker is no longer a baby. He is very much a toddler these days. He started walking before he turned 11 months old and now he is running his mom ragged as he gets into everything under the moon.

Never ever leave Ryker alone in a bathroom. He will open every drawer he can reach and empty it. Then he will proceed to unroll 100 feet of toilet paper, wet it with toilet water, and than paper mache the floor and walls. Then he will take the one toy he brought with him and put that in the toilet to see if it floats. Thank goodness he has not figured out how to flush or I am sure we would have had to unclog the toilets a handful of times.

Ryker is turning out to be a little smaller than his brothers. Both Ashton and Jace have always been a little above average in height. Ryker is a little below average. But the strange thing is he eats more than Jace and Ashton combined at the age of one. I really don't know what to think of it. The boy just loves to eat yet he has not one roll on him. Looks like he got his Dad's metabolism.

Our little toddler talks ALL the time. He is never quiet. Can you understand him? Nope not really. But he knows what he is saying and seems pretty adamant about his demands and opinions. So much that if you argue with him he will scream back at you.

Ryker is a huge cuddler. The little boy always wants to snuggle up and loves to have his back rubbed. This is most likely the sweetest things about him... his ability to covey love through touch. He is definitely a Wilde in that respect.

This boy has no fear of anything. Take him on a motorcycle or a rollercoaster... makes no difference he will not cry. He loves to be thrown, flipped, and twirled. He is definitely an adrenaline junky.

Ryker is still very much blond and his eyes are still VERY blue. His looks remind me of my father. Like I said before he has a lot of Wilde in him.

Little Ryker has been a joy to raise as a baby. And our family is looking forward to him as a toddler. We love Ryker.