Ashton Turns 5

"Hey Ashton", mom called. "Yes mom," Ashton replied. "What do you want to do for your birthday this year?" Ashton excitedly proclaimed, " I want a Green Eggs and Ham Cake!!"

That's right folks. This year Ashton wanted his birthday to be all about Green Eggs and Ham. I actually tried to talk him out of it since I figured it was a passing fancy but he stuck to his guns and so on March 29th we celbrated his 5th birthday in a very green Dr. Seuss sort of way.

At first I was just going to make him a bunch of cupcakes topped with green meringue eggs. But then I thought to myself that its just no fun to blow out five candles on a cupcake. So I made a small ham cake (also green) to go with the cupcakes. Then we loaded up his presents and headed to IHOP for dinner so that he could actually eat green eggs and ham for dinner (they have a special going on right now featuring just that). We were met there by family and ate breakfast for dinner, watched Ashton open presents, and blow out the candles on his cake. Here are some pics.

Green Eggs and Ham Cake and Cupcakes

Ashton opening a few presents.

Ashton Blowing out the candles! I can not believe he is already 5.

Ashton was so happy to have his green cake.

Being Becky, I of course forgot the camera as I always do! So all his pics were taken with a Phone... not the best of quality but at least its something!

Note: Suprisenly enough, Ashton actually does not own the book Green Eggs and Ham.

Winter Blur

This winter has been quiet for our family. It really has not even felt like winter. Here in Lindon we have hardly seen any snow, and if it were not for the snow in the mountains, I would question its existence in Utah. To add to the oddity of this winter the temperatures have been mild. Venturing outside without a coat is common in the neighborhood as you see children playing together as if it were spring. No huge events have occurred since I last wrote. So I figured that I would focus on individuals in this blog entry.

Lets start with the head of the family Curtis. Curtis's pager has not been going off as often as it has in the past. Maybe this is due to the lack of snow... or maybe people are just getting smarter. Either way its been nice. When he does get called out its mostly for medical purposes such as a fracture, or a lost person. So far all calls have turned out positively with no deaths. That is always a good thing. Other than Search and Rescue he has been busy working hard for his family. Curtis never complains about having to work and does his work very well with meticulous attention to detail. He has been bringing his work ethic home and can be found working in his garage on his mustang most nights. I have never met anyone who works as hard as Curtis. To be idol bothers him greatly unless he is simply exhausted in which he then turns to me to get love. I don't mind at all when that happens and happily rub his head while watching something on TV. Curtis really is a great husband and father. It has been fun to watch as he has interacted with his first baby. He is a very attentive father. He also makes great efforts to make sure that his older kids know that he loves them even though he is the main disciplinary parent. Our family loves Curtis very much.

Now lets move on to the other head of the house... Me:) I am about 13 weeks pregnant. I have been struggling with morning sickness for about two months. I really can not complain though. I have only thrown up once which is a huge success for me. And as of now, as long as I stay fed, my stomach does not give me too much hassle. My energy which was non existent a few weeks ago is slowly coming back... which has been a good thing for my bathrooms and kitchen floor. Curtis has been a trooper through all of it as I have pushed him away and fallen asleep as soon as he comes to bed. He is happy to be slowly getting his wife back. When I am not feeling good I basically just curl up in a ball on my bed and ask to be left alone. But like previously mentioned, it has gotten better. Now I find myself trying to play catch up on house work and trying to find things to look forward to so that I am not bored out of my mind. Most if not all of my focus is truly on my children and my husband.

Now for the bright one of the family, Sage. Sage has been very content with going to school and interacting with her friends there. She seems to love her life for the most part and does those things she dislikes (homework, cleaning her room) with a wiliness that she has recently developed. She is learning to be responsible and is a great help with her two younger brothers. Lately she has been into writing poems. One of my more favorite ones she has written goes something like this.

I love you
I love you
I love you divine
Could you please give me some bubble gum
Your sitting on mine
And would you be mine.

Where she comes up with this stuff I do not know. But its cute. Sage has also been getting really excited to get baptized this year. She has an official time and date. She will be getting baptized in Lindon on June 30th at 11 am. So for those who would like to attend you can plan ahead! I asked her why she wanted to be baptized. She simply said, "Because I love my Heavenly Father and want to live with him again someday." She truly has a testimony of God the Father and his son Jesus Christ. I only hope that I can be the mother she needs to help it grow and mature as she gets older.

Ashton my little smiley boy is getting so big! He is now learning to read and can read some simple books. He really has a joy for life. He is always smiling and seems excited over the smallest things. He craves attention from his parents and siblings and prefers not to be alone. He would rather sit there and watch me clean and even help me clean then be alone downstairs watching TV. He spends most of his time either at school, with me, or with his sister after school. Sage is always kind enough to involve him in her play. And Jace really does love Ashton as well as he displays his affection with kisses and hugs.

Jace is no longer really a baby. He is very much a toddler as he now walks everywhere he goes and gets into everything while he is at it. His vocabulary is growing every week. Just to name a few words he can say; duck, eyes, yuck, book, dog, up, yummy, car, cracker and no. It seems like every week he learns another word or two. This week i discovered that if you tell him to put something in the garbage he knows exactly what you mean and will walk into the kitchen and put it in the trash. I don't remember teaching his this but somehow he picked up on it. I guess the little guy understands more than what i give him credit for. He has been very much into reading books lately. If I even sit in his chair in his room for one second he is running up to me demanding that I read him a book. And one book is not good enough... oh no, it has to be 10 books. Jace is a great kid.

Last but not least, Little Unborn Final Dudley Child # 4. That's quite the title. We got to see this little person a few weeks ago on ultra sound. According to measurements he or she is scheduled to be due around September 24th which happens to be my brother Cam's birthday. Happy Birthday Cam! We will find out the sex of the child in April. This time around we all want a baby girl but know that we will love him or her no matter what she or he is.

As a family we celebrated our second anniversary on the 20th of March. Curtis and I got to go away for a weekend at Wolf Creek. That was nice. The kids go to spend that weekend with Grandma Dudley. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves.

We have also planned a trip to Oregon and the Seattle area. In Oregon we will be enjoying some Wilde family time on the beach, and later some more personal time with Cams family. In Seattle we will get to spend quality time with my Grandma and Grandpa Wilde and with my Aunts, Uncles, and cousins. I am really looking forward to that since I have a deep love for Seattle. I always feel at home there.

And that is about it! Hope all of you and your families are doing well and that this winter is treating you right!

Fourth and Final Dudley

It was the end of August. I was going about my day cleaning the bathrooms when all of a sudden I had the strangest urge to get pregnant. I quickly dismissed the thought simply because my little Jace was only 9 months old and I like to wait in between kids to give both my body and stress level a break. Throughout the day these thoughts kept on creeping back into my mind and I kept on pushing them right back out. After all it would be crazy to get pregnant when Jace was so young! That night I had a dream where I was pregnant doing day to day things with my three kids.

This trend of crazy thoughts and dreams continued for the next 3 days. I then decided that it would be appropriate at this point to tell Curtis. "Sweetheart, I know this sounds absolutely insane but lately I have had the strange impression that I should stop taking my birth control and get pregnant". His eyebrows raised and he looked at me like I knew he would. "That is crazy dear, but if you feel that way then go for it." I proceeded to tell him how these promptings had been strong and insistent like it was meant for me to get pregnant right away. He agreed with me and told me it sounded like our destiny was laid out for us. It was then we decided to wait allowing me to finish two more weeks of birth control pills so that I could have a period before I got pregnant ( In the past with all three of my kids I have gotten pregnant within 2 weeks of stopping birth control). The next day my period started in the middle of my pills which never happens. I took that as a sign that I needed to follow my crazy promptings right then and there so I did not take a pill after that day.

I started planning my calender. Lets see, I will get pregnant in two weeks, I will get sick in about 6 to 8 weeks... I will find out what it is in four months, and will have the baby in nine. One month pasted... I was not pregnant. This was a whole new experience to me. It had never taken more than two weeks and now I was faced with the fact that it just might take longer this time and I could not plan my life out to a "T" like I liked to do. I was going to have to wait it out like most women do! How awful!

Two more months went by and I was still not pregnant. Then on December 17th I finally got a positive. I was so excited! But 4 days later I lost it. That's right, I had just had my first miscarriage. Did you know that 20% of all early term pregnancies end in miscarriage due to things not forming right? That was what my doctor told me to help me feel better. It worked to some degree but I was still emotionally on a roller coaster and cried for a good 24 hours straight. In the end I was thankful for having had this experience so that I know what its like, giving me a chance to somewhat relate to those who have had a miscarriage. It really is hard to get excited about the little person inside of you just to lose them.

After this experience I started to think that maybe I was done. Maybe my body had had enough. Maybe I was not meant to have four kids like Curtis and I had planned.

January 14th was a Saturday where Curtis was busy in the garage working on his Mustang. He needed to go out and get some new cleaning supplies from Harbor Freight. I asked him if he could pick up a few pregnancy tests for me since it had been about a month since I had lost my baby. He did, and I took a test. It was a very faint positive. I was pregnant again. This time I told no one but my husband. What if I lost it again? I just didn't want to have to tell someone I had a miscarriage like before. So I waited.. that is till now. My morning sickness has kicked in which can be an indicator of a healthy pregnancy. Or at least I hope it is!

So yes. I am pregnant with my fourth and final kid. This will be the last time that I Becky Dudley will be with child. Kinda a crazy thought that I am moving slowly into a new stage of my life. Soon in a few years I will not have anymore babies in the house. Yet another crazy thought. Makes me want to cherish the moments I have now... even though they may be stressful at times and take all my free time and energy. I wonder who the little critter inside of me is... Is it my girl I have been wanting? Or will it be another sweet baby boy? Who knows... and I suppose in the end it really does not matter. Right now I'm just hoping for a healthy pregnancy and an even healthier baby.

Moving on

Recently I have watched a friend go through a really rough time in her life. Without going into details, she was severely hurt emotionally and physically. 2011 was no picnic for her and it has left her a bit broken. She asks, " When will I be over this?" How many of us have asked ourselves this question when life gets tough and hits us in our blind spot from behind? You might be surprised that you are not the only one. So how do you move on when this happens? How do you pick your self up, dust your self off and continue with your head held high and your spirits unbroken. From my experience I have found that it takes the following things to continue with your life unscathed: a good support group, self realization, a decision to move on, a positive attitude, and simply time.

When life sucker punches you to the ground, you need to surround yourself with a team to help you back up to your feet and stabilize you. Why? Simply because you may not be in the state of mind or have the will and strenth to be able to do it on your own. This team of people may be your family, neighbors, or friends. It maybe a councelor, a bishop, or even an acquaintance. Whomever you choose to surround yourself with, make sure they are positive and encouraging. You should feel at peace around them. They should improve your life by just being in the room. At the same time its important that your support group keeps you thinking logically and realistically. Let them help you and guide you to making good decisions as you progress though this tough time.

Secondly, you need to realize who you are and the fact that you are a great individual no matter what has happened and who may have told you otherwise. When you realize your potential, you can strive to become it, pushing forward with a understanding that you can be anyone you want to be. You don't need to let your past define who you are. Let it refine you into something better instead of letting it drag you down. When you start to love yourself again, the sun will rise and you will feel infinitely better.

As your confidence level rises thanks to your support groups and your own self realization, you will find that a point comes where you have to make a mental decision to start the process of moving on. This is an important task. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are going to be happy and you are going to leave your past behind you taking only the positive from it and leaving the negative to rot away to nothingness. Shout out to the world that yes, you are moving on. Verbally proclaim it to all those around you, so that you are committed both silently and publicly. Keep in mind that starting to move on it just that... you are STARTING the process and it may take a while before you complete the task. Having said that, also keep in mind once you have made the decision to move on, a ton of bricks will be lifted off of your load and you will feel significantly better.

Ok! You are feeling better, but now its time to gritt your teeth and buckle up for the long road ahead of you! How do you do this? With you attitude of course:). It important to remain positive. The pain and hurt will not immediately go away and it will be easy to slide back into depression and self pity. Don't do this. It only hurts yourself. Remain hopeful for your future life and beyond all else, forgive those who may have trespassed against you. This positive attitude and kindness to others will give you peace of mind and of heart that is vital to the healing process.

Finally as you press forward holding onto all that is positive and good, remember that it takes time. For some its a short period of time. For others it takes significantly longer. Just know that time does heal all wounds. And one day you WILL wake up, and all the wounds of your heart will be sealed up leaving only a faint scar to remind you of your past so that you may learn from it and not repeat those things that led you to being hurt in the first place. That is the beauty of all of this! If you get bashed in the face by life, your face will heal and you can fix it making it even more beautiful than before! It's crazy but its true! And beyond all else, remember that God does love you and he wants you to be happy. So don't forget to pray to him. He will help you in ways that you can not help yourself. He will give you the spirit of peace and you will feel his love. And that is the best medicine of all.

Celebrating two births and a New Year

I have been a bit slow blogging for December. So I thought I would just combine the two events for the month.

Our darling little boy Jace turned 1 this month on December 16th! I can not believe it has already been one year since he was born. We invited family over to join us in singing happy birthday, eating cake, and opening presents. Jace seemed to love his cake but was not willing to dig into it like a crazed one year old usually does. He sort of just picked at the frosting and nibbled at the cake. He also refused to open any of his presents which turned out well for his siblings and cousins who were chomping at the bit to help him out. I honestly think there was just too much noise and confusion for him to be able to focus much. I made him a duck cake since his first word other than mama and dada was duck. To celebrate turning one, Jace also decided to start walking! Yay for Jace!

All of Jace's cousins wanted to help open the presents and play with the toys.

Is that a marshmallow?? It feels squishy like one... I think it is a marshmallow!

Happy Birthday Jace! You are 1!!!! Have a Duck Cake.

The second birth we celebrated was that of our Lord Jesus Christ. Christmas went well. We attended church with Mom and Dad Wilde and ate a lot of good food. The kids loved opening their Christmas presents and seeing all their grandparents and relatives.

Ashton got new star wars including the Millennium Falcon, cars, clothes, shoes, an ant farm, puzzles, a toy rifle, tools, and other stuff. He has really been enjoying all his new stuff especially his puzzles and his new shoes. Why shoes? Because he can actually tell which foot his new shoes go on!

Sage received lots of hair stuff, pet shop, clothes, a suit case, books, a tadpole rearing kit, paint by number art kit, and... ummm other stuff that is not coming to mind. She has been having a blast reading her Pippi Books and devours them within a few nights. She has also been enjoying her Pet Shop which is to be expected.

Jace got some fun toys but was pretty oblivious to what was going on. His favorite thing he got was his push car and some small wood cars. He loves running the walker back and forth and get frustrated when he runs into walls. The small toy cars he will roll all around the house and loves destroying them and building them back up.

Christmas was a lot of fun this year. It was nice seeing some of my brothers and sisters that I do not see too often and dinner was delicious (Thanks Mom Wilde for working so hard on that). But by the end of the day we were all tired and glad to be in our warm beds.

Some of the spoils of the day. Ashton was pretty pleased.

Ashton's face when he saw the Millennium Falcon under the tree with a big bow on it. Notice the mismatching socks... yeah Santa brought him new socks:)

Sage shows us some of her newly acquired stuff.

Look mom its the pet shop I wanted and it walks!!

Jace claps for himself and his present.

Dad I can help you in the garage now!

Sage made me a ceramic pot holder:)

I should mention that we did celebrate the new year.... even if we did not do too much. We went to the park, ate out at Sizzlers, and played games with the kiddos. We then went to bed since the kids are too young to stay up and Curtis and I are apparently too old. At midnight the fireworks woke Curtis up which in turn he woke me up, asked for a new year kiss and went back to bed. I know, we are quite the party animals! lol. Now on with the new year! Wonder what it will bring...

Marital Love

I was thinking today about the love one has for a spouse. There are many ups and downs within a marriage that may cause one to question his/her love for a spouse to the point they wonder if they ever really truly loved their spouse to begin with. This happens in almost any marriage. In fact my councilor that I had for about a year before my last marriage ended said that on average a spouse will fall in and out of love with their companion at least 3 times during the length of their marriage. What triggers these emotional and somewhat irrational outbreaks? Stress? Change? Monotony? Midlife Crisis? Well I believe all of the above and more.

There was a time in my last marriage that I did not believe I loved my spouse anymore. I would tell myself that I did not have anything in common with him, that he never wanted to do what I wanted to do, that he was too involved in his own world to even care about mine. I did not want to emotionally involve myself with him anymore because I did not want to hurt. But I found that as I distanced myself from him I felt more hurt than when I was trying. I did not want to hear that I should keep on trying in the marriage so I would push myself away from my family and others to the point I felt very much alone. I would then reach out to those who would tell me what I thought I wanted to hear which in turn was more damaging. When I finally came to grips and knew that I loved him enough to try it had to be on my own time and my on terms. So I did… I put my all back into the marriage and I felt much better even though my marriage was anything but perfect. I still hurt due to my X’s decisions but I was at peace with myself once more. I clung to those people who really matter… The Lord, my family, my spouse, and my close girlfriends. I then tried my best to apologize for putting my spouse through “Hell” as I figured a few things out in my heart. Unfortunately I was too late and I had pushed him far enough away that he did not feel like coming back to me when I was ready to come back to him. The only peace I have with that whole situation is that I know I did what was right in the end even if I was not on the right path before that. Things did not work out and I have accepted that and have moved on. But that does not mean that others can not learn from my mistakes and my comebacks.

We choose to love someone or not to love him or her. We make a choice to put our all into our relationship or to let it slip away. I have gotten a second chance in marriage. Again my marriage is not perfect… no marriage is. There are days that Curtis and I do not agree on anything. But we try our best to love each other even on bad days. Sometimes this means a simple gesture such as putting a hand on your spouses back while you lie in bed after having just argued over something stupid. Even if it means not doing something that you know will give your spouse anxiety no matter how much you want to engage in that activity. Even if it means just going through the motions and jumping through the hoops till your emotions calm down enough to see that you still love you spouse and you never stopped loving your spouse. All of that is love. We just don’t fall out of love. It does not work that way even though some of us think it does during times of our lives. When we feel like we need to push away from our spouse, that is when we need to cling onto them even more. And if your spouse tries to push you away, that is when you need to love them more than ever and not judge them letting them find themselves back to you. And they will. Because in the end they really do love you, they just need to figure some things out.

By the way, you do not have to have everything in common with someone to love him or her. If that were the case men would not love women and visa versa because men and women are very different. We communicate differently, we see things differently and we react to things differently. And the funny thing is we need these differences. At first it seems to be a cruel joke played by God, but in the end if we love and respect each other our differences help and compliment each other helping us reach our true potential.

And finally I post this picture... because it reminded me of me when I was begging for my X to love me and and getting little response. It hurt... and I felt like this kitty. I'm sure some of you relate. We all need to be loved. So lets get a loving.

Two Years ago today

It was a cold icy Sunday afternoon. I told Curtis that I would meet him at his house around 4. I had never met this man Curtis, but had corresponded with him for about a month on a daily basis. We had asked each other many questions both personal and impersonal so I felt like I knew him and I felt like we were friends.

I looked up at the clock. It was already passed four. I needed to hurry and finish up what I was doing so I could get out the door. My phone rang. It was him. Curtis asked where I was. I could tell by his tone that he was annoyed that I had not arrived yet. I thought to myself, "Who does he think he is talking to me in that tone?" I quickly grabbed a warm hat and coat and headed out the door with my Zune.

The drive was not a long one. We lived about 5 minutes from each other. I was still a little on edge from our conversation earlier on the phone. I took a left at the school and took an immediate right after the purple house. I looked for the large yellow Avalanch Truck with Search and Rescue printed on the side. There it was. There he was shoveling his driveway with a flat shovel. He looked different in person than in his pictures... I got out of my car and proceeded to walk toward him. Unexpectedly I was hit with a cold icy snowball. Any resentment from our earlier phone conversation quickly melted away as a large grin erupted on my face. Our eyes met each other. His eyes were so intense full on intelligence and passion. I felt like I had know him for years! He directed me toward the house grabbing my arm and guiding me up his steps and into his house.

There I was. His place was small and very much looked like a bachelor Pad. I removed my coat and hat and sat down on a single chair. I noticed the Amazon Parrot in the room and spent some time getting to know him. He sat down on the couch and beckoned me to sit next to him so I could see the lap top screen as we searched for music to upload on my Zune. I conceded and we began to go through a lot of music. I had about 20 songs that I wanted to find. We were able to find some of them and then he proceeded to fill the file with music that he thought I would like labeling the file, "Becky's half boring hits". As he browsed through his music I looked at him and had a sudden urge to put my head on his shoulder. I fought that urge and resisted. After maybe 2 hours of listening to songs and uploading songs we said our goodbyes and I proceeded home.

Later on that week Curtis asked me why I had not put my head on his shoulder? I was astounded. "How did you know I had that desire that day?" He responded, "I just know things." Curtis and I said nothing regarding feelings that first day we met. But words were not necessary. We knew there was something special there. Happy two year anniversary my wonderful husband! I am glad that my destiny led me to you and I hope I am always deserving of your love.