Fiercly Loyal

I have been greatly saddened this last year to hear of so many marriages ending in divorce. It seems like every month I hear of a friend, or a friend of a friend that is pushing through a painful divorce. I wonder why so many people are opting for divorce? What is happening in this world where two good people can not seem to make things work?

I am not one to really talk. I am myself a divorced woman. So is my husband Curtis. And both of our divorces have caused more pain than any other action we have taken in our lifetime. I did not want my divorce. It was something that my X desired. I literally got down on my knees and begged him to give our marriage more time for the sake of our family and ourselves. But he insisted that it was what he wanted... that it was the only way for him to become happy. So I conceded and pushed it through myself. And yes due to my circumstances before the divorce, I was happier after I was separated from my X, but that does not mean I did not wish we could have worked things out. And not because of Curtis. He is AMAZING and there is a part of me that wishes I had met him earlier in life before getting married the first time. But because having gone through a divorce, I know how it can affect you and your family for the REST of a lifetime. The only positive thing that came from my divorce is learning where to draw my lines and how to love with fierce loyalty. I learned how to be a better spouse. But I think that we can all learn those things within one marriage if we keep fighting for and believing in our marriage.

It is not hard to be loyal to your spouse when he or she is doing everything right. That is not loyalty. Loyalty is tested when your spouse is NOT doing what she or he should be doing yet you love them anyway and see them through their rough spot in life. This could take days, or even years! I believe that people give up way too easily and expect way too much out of their spouse to the point it poisons the sanctity of marriage.

Divorce seems to be spreading like a rampant plague and I find myself concerned for the future marriage's of my children.You see, I do not want to see them go through what I had to go through. I want them to marry someone that fits them well, and I want to see them happy. But I also want to see them struggle as all marriages do at some point. Struggles and adversity may initially seem to chip away at a couple, but by working through these struggles one can rebuild and create an even stronger and unique bond than they had before things went awry. In the end, it boils down to the fact we all have a choice to either give up and walk away, or stand strong, forgive, and fight for our marriage. 

Note: I believe that most marriages start out with two good people who will eventually make mistakes. Its how we handle and react to these mistakes that makes the difference between a successful marriage and a marriage that fails. Some marriages however do not start with two good people. If you are in an abusive marriage and have sought help, and help has failed then it is my belief that there is nothing to fight for, and a divorce should be pursued.

Baby, Please Don't Go

Sage was born in the year of 2004. I was nearly 24 years old at the time. I loved being a Mom and found it relatively easy. Sage was a very chubby and well behaved baby. Always happy, and quick to catch on and to conquer all her milestones with ease, grace, and ahead of schedule. And as a first time mom I was pushing her and working with her on a daily basis to reach all these milestones.


Then came Ashton in 2007. My big Bubba came to this world weighing in at 9 pounds 10 ounces with a fiery red Mohawk of hair! Ashton was relatively easy as well. But now I had two kids and the stress of trying to divide my time between the two of them began to rise just a little. But as a mom of two I felt blessed. Both of my children were beautiful, easy going, and Sage was so independent that she allowed me to tend to Ashton without any issues.


Jace my third child arrived in 2010, nine and a half months after I married Curtis. Jace was smart but a bit more temperamental. That boy could really scream. My stress level began to rise significantly especially since I was still adjusting to my new life with Curtis and being a stay at home mom who no longer worked. It was around this time that I started to look forward to being able to move out of the baby stage of my life. It seemed like the constant whining, diapers, spit up, and leaky boobs would never end. Having 3 children seemed so much harder than one. And I no longer got many breaks because I no longer worked. I just wanted my baby to grow up as fast as possible.


In 2012 my final baby was born. Ryker was pretty easy going. And he truly is a happy baby. But for once in my life, I am not celebrating when my baby reaches his milestones. Instead I find myself crying when I realize how fast he is growing up. In one month he will be 22 months old. He is not by definition a baby anymore. And although I find myself stressed trying to juggle 4 young children, I don't want Ryker to grow up. And I don't want all 3 of my other children to continue to grow up. My children have become my best friends. They know me better than anyone, and I know them better than anyone. We are connected. We are all honest and sincere with each other. My children take care of my soul and I theirs. But now it is time to let my baby years go and say goodbye. And I am having a hard time accepting the fact that my children will grow, and one day they will be adults.


And yes, I am baby hungry. I know I can not have any more babies... but that does not mean I don't want one. Maybe a blonde little girl with soft wavy curls and green eyes. One that has an amazing smile, a gentle touch, a sharp mind, and a great sense of humor. I have had dreams of this little girl for some time... My first time seeing her in my dreams was back in 2008 or 2009. And whenever I dream of a child while I am not pregnant, she always makes an appearance. I never did get my blonde little girl and I am relatively sure that I will not be having anymore kids. Makes me wonder if somehow she could have been in my life. I will never know, and I must let the thought go and settle on a kitten, or a puppy... or heck I would even take a bird if it was willing to cuddle with me.

So yes, being a mom to small children can be so difficult. But I have learned to get as many hugs from my babies as possible because I know they are only small for a blink of an eye and then they are grown and gone. I will miss you "baby years." Goodbye.